Foster, Fostri
a play by Bethany Kanfer

Foster Fostri
Fostri Fostrorum
Fostro Fostris
Fostrum Fostros
Fostro Fostris

Setting: A high school classroom with: a whiteboard, center stage; a teacher's desk, stage left; 8 student desks, stage right; radiator stage left near Foster's desk. The door is on stage right, where everyone enters and exits.
Time: one class period
Props: Each student except Ryan has a copy of "The Braggart Soldier" by Plautus and a Latin textbook. (For proper authenticity, students' textbooks should have brown paper book covers.) Foster also has a copy of Plautus and a Latin textbook on his desk, uncovered, both marked with "Magister" on the top. He has a messenger bag and other teacher paraphernalia.
Characters: Mr. Foster, Dan, Theo, Tim, Jess, Andrew, Ryan, CJ, Michelle

(Curtain opens.)
(Lights are dim. Foster is sitting at his desk, shuffling papers and doing basic teacher-looking stuff.)
(Lights go up as students enter, all chatting at once. CJ goes over to Foster; they talk inaudibly because of the noise of the other students who are standing all around the room, showing blatant disregard for the bell that has just rung. Theo goes over and sits on the radiator, talking to Ryan. Bell rings. After about a minute, CJ crosses the room and starts talking to Jess. Foster gets up.)
Dan: (To Foster.) I'm going to make a puddle today. I was outside the entire lunch period.
Foster: (Laughs.) Right, it's raining today, so you won't have a bunch of dirt coming off your shoes.
Dan: Can I go to the bathroom?
Foster: A minute ago, you were going to make a puddle. Now you've changed plans and you want to go to the bathroom? You're supposed to go before you come to class. Go, Dan! Just go.
(Dan exits.)
Foster: If you would all take your seats, we can begin class.
(No one pays attention; they all continue talking.)
Foster: (Pause.) Would you all please practice your sitting-down skills? You may not have realized this, but the bell indicating the start of class has rung.
(Tim, Michelle, and Andrew sit down. Jess and CJ remain talking on stage right. Theo and Ryan remain talking on the radiator.)
Foster: I'm sorry, I haven't gotten the personal invitations back from the printer, but could everyone sit down, including those of us who are Theo?
Theo: I'm keeping my tibia warm.
Foster: Go sit down. And take your tibia with you.
(All students sit down. Dan enters and sits, immediately putting his head down on his desk.)
Foster: Good. I'm ready to start. I hope you're all ready to be started upon. Oooo! (Dramatically.) You are entering the dimension of light, of sound, of Latin.
(Class is relatively quiet.)
Foster: Okay, everyone take out the translations that you were working on last class.
(Class complies, taking out sheets of paper, except for Ryan.)
Foster: Tim, translate the first sentence. In silva ranas amamus.
Tim: Um... the frogs love in the woods?
Foster: Not quite. The verb is amamus. First person plural. We are not frogs. Try again.
Tim: Oh- we love the frogs in the woods?
Foster: Yeah, if you remember, the story was, "we love the frogs in the woods, not in our water jugs."
Tim: I did good.
Foster: Gah! - I keep telling you, you did well. You did no good! You clothed no poor naked people! You housed no homeless people! You have done no good!
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Foster: Oh, by the way, last class, all you guys who left early, you all have detentions.
Jess: What?
Foster: Well, I think you would call it sneakily slinking out when I turned my back. Seriously, I walked to my desk to look at my gradebook, and when I turned around, all you guys were gone. So you all have detentions. I haven't given a detention in four years, but where I worked for the last two years, you didn't give detentions because they would shoot you.
Theo: Where did you work before?
Foster: Gun-wavin' New Haven! They were really ghetto. You guys here, you think you're ghetto, but you're really not. I forgot how ghetto they were until I heard someone here say "Excuse you." Oh my God, it was weird. And the teachers didn't trust the kids in New Haven. If they wanted to go to the bathroom, the teacher had to give them toilet paper. They didn't dare keep it in the bathrooms.
Andrew: What would they do with it?
Foster: The mere fact that you don't know shows how non-ghetto you are. Suburbs, yo! Holler.... Let me get a hat that is too big for my head. (Uses hand to illustrate a brim and shows it sliding to one side of his head.)
Andrew: Oh.
Foster: Okay, who's the next person to step up to the Latin dartboard? I can see you all looking intently at your books with that studious look of "Don't call on me! I don't know the answer!" So... Jess. Give it a try. Puellae parvae pupas habent.
Jess: Um, I didn't get this one.
Foster: Well, of course. It is my general policy to check homework only when you don't have it. It's from my teacher's book: "Latin, and How to Make it Suck For You." Give it a try.
Jess: Uh, okay, the dolls... I mean, the girls... no, the little dolls....
Foster: No, I'm sorry, I'm completely lost, and I think you need medication. Oh my God! Don't do your translation with a ouji board! Break it down. What's the verb? (Pause.) Come on. It's not like writing Latin was the Roman equivalent of hiding Easter eggs.
Ryan: Which doesn't make sense anyway.
Foster: (Ignoring him.) (As class is talking.) Can we actually try paying attention? (To Jess.) They usually put the verb at the end of the sentence.
Jess: Um, oh, Habent. They have.
Foster: Okay, now find something in the nominative that could be the subject.
Jess: Girls. The little girls have dolls?
Foster: Yes. It's okay not to know, but you should've been able to guess better. To err is human. To persevere is diabolical. Okay, Dan, tell me what you know about pupas. Dan? It would help if you woke up for this.
Dan: (Raises head.) What?
Foster: I'd appreciate it if you would pay some attention in class.
Dan: I do pay attention sometimes!
Foster: At least you're selectively there. Tell us about pupas.
Dan: Pupas, pupas.
Foster: He is chanting his mantra: "Pupas, pupas." Have you achieved inner calm? Come on, what case is it?
Dan: Um... I don't know.
Foster: Starts with an "a." You have a fifty-fifty chance.
Dan: Ablative? No, wait, ablative?
Foster: Okay, I'll wait. I'm still waiting for the right answer. (Pause.) (Stage whisper.) It's the other one that starts with an "a."
Dan: Oh, accusative.
Foster: What number?
Dan: Singular?
Foster: Hmm. (Pause.) When you say "singular" and I go "hmm," that's probably a good indication that it's plural. Ah, the learning process, in all of its exciting glory. Oh my God! Sometimes I wonder why I even try to teach you anything. Tim doesn't know his verb endings, Jess doesn't know where to find the verb, and Dan sleeps through everything! Maybe I could just grunt meaningfully. It would probably accomplish the same thing. Let's all slump over on our desks and breathe shallowly and try to induce a coma. Do you all go around saying, "Hi! We're the brainless slugs of Waterford High"?
Theo: You can't say that. It's "No Name-Calling Week."
Foster: I've been corrected. And I'm standing. Good. Wait, so I can call you that next week?
Ryan: It's not like calling a week "No Name-Calling Week" is going to do anything.
Foster: It's like that whole "celebrate diversity" thing. I never got that. I can understand "tolerate diversity," but not "celebrate diversity." What is there to celebrate? He's black. I'm stupid. You're gay. Woohoo! I'll probably get it when they make a Hallmark card for it. "I just found out you're black...." I don't know why, but everyone seems to be against white people now. All those "I'm lovin' it" commercials have black people in them. From one week to the next, suddenly McDonald's is for black people. I want to know if I'm allowed inside. I'll have to sneak in the back. And of course, everyone knows white people can't jump. I hear they're going to publish a book- "Black Folks' Jumping Tips for White People." My wife's mother would call black people "colored," and my wife would get all upset and say, "No, no one says 'colored' anymore." Now they say "people of color" instead. What's the difference? Colored? I'm in the Crayola box!
Theo: All those "reality" TV shows they have just use all the stereotypes. Like on "Real World," they always have someone who's black, someone who's racist, someone who's gay, and someone who's homophobic.
Ryan: It's not reality- it's just carefully constructed for entertainment.
Foster: Yeah, I hate that show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." They're telling me that no straight guy knows how to dress. It's because gay men have no kids. If I didn't have to pay for my kids' stuff, I could buy nice clothes too.
(Theo laughs.)
Foster: Oh, and by the way, guys, you should all go to see the Drama Club's show.
CJ: What is it?
Foster: "Return to the Forbidden Planet"- it's basically Shakespeare's "The Tempest" set in outer space with a lot of rock 'n' roll music. It's really cool, but it took a while to catch on in America. It worked in England, where they could listen to Shakespeare without breaking into hives. In America, we decided to forgo teaching Shakespeare in favor of teaching about hate. It was "Julius Caesar vs. support your local black gay guy."
Theo: I'm in favor of "support your local black gay guy."
Foster: No, seriously, who here has read "Julius Caesar"? (No one raises a hand.) No one? Yeah, I had an inkling that no one had read "Julius Caesar." Too much facing hatred.
Ryan: Yeah!
Foster: All right, you guys are in class to learn some Latin, so let's get back to that.
Andrew: Do we come to school because we learn something?
Foster: No, but here you're prisoners.
(Tim makes a face.)
Foster: (Sees Tim's face and jumps.) Ahh. I can't start in the face of that face. It's so skeptical and I couldn't live through it. Tim, you're hurting my feelings. I'll have to go to the bar to drown my sorrows. Except I don't drink, so I'll have to... eat stale peanuts.
(Tim changes his expression.)
Foster: Okay. (As students are talking.) As you know, I am not the most patient of people, so I might blow up. Let's try to avoid that, as there might be some collateral damage. Moving along at our own breakneck pace, last class we were learning about the ablative of means. Get your books out and do exercise B on page 17. See how you can do. It's short, so you should get done soon. If you have any questions, raise your hand and I'll deride you for having asked them.
(Students take out and open their books.)
CJ: Um, I don't think I know this.
Foster: Let's pretend that I was a warm and caring person.... I think three-fourths of my answers to you this year could be summed up with "just do your best." We're not going to have to make up too many words. (As students keep talking.) Oh my God! Just shut up and do it!
(After about a minute.)
Foster: Oh my God, I sold my soul to the Devil for three minutes of silence! Okay, everyone ready to go over it? Let me get my book out.
(Retrieves his book from his desk and opens it.)
Foster: How come every time I open my book, it opens to the sentence that says, "Human life is punishment"? Anyway, Michelle, let's see if you can do the first one.
Michelle: That's not fair! You always pick me for the ones I don't know.
Foster: No, actually, I am, in my totally unfair way, being fair. I'm the teacher. You're a little blob.
Michelle: A little blob?
Foster: Okay, a reasonably-sized blob. Number One: How do you refill your cornucopia?
Michelle: Um, by means of food?
Foster: Right. Okay, CJ. Number Two: How did the Romans heat their homes?
Theo: (Breaks in.) By means of pony!
Foster: No, that's only in Gladiator. Due to their great wood shortage, the Romans heated their homes with pony. CJ?
CJ: By means of wood.
Foster: Yes. Oh, guys, I'm going to pass back your quizzes before I forget again.
(Foster goes to his desk and gets a stack of papers. Begins to pass them out.)
Foster: This quiz was terrible overall. Half of you still don't know the present conjugation of sum, esse. I want you to start putting down these forms as if you were a Latin student who understood some Latin. We're having a Sunt party! Everybody show up and exist! "Dude, I so was at your party!" As for the rest of the quiz, several of you didn't listen to the directions and did everything I told you not to. Your answers were all mixed up. And they were all wrong! So, if you did that, you are a scoreless and stupid person. I inflict the pain of red ink! That's what Latin is. It's messing with people. Hopefully, if you get nothing else out of Latin, you'll learn to be analytical and methodical. It would be best if everyone could leave with some knowledge of Latin, a positive attitude, and not wanting to blow up my car. (To himself.) These are the future criminals of our society. (To the class.) So anyway, because your quizzes sucked, I'm going to give you a test the day we come back from break.
Michelle: No! Not the first class after vacation!
Foster: Why not? You'll all be freshly prepared after your week of study.
Jess: What's going to be on it?
Foster: You will be required to know the future for your exam. You'll also need to know the perfect tense. You'll probably need to study that a bit. Oh my God! The teacher's book actually had a note on the page with the perfect that said, "Your students will become tense-blind!" It's like a board game. It's not a language, it's a board game! So yeah, you need to know those tenses. I put a word bank for part of it. I know how much this class likes word banks.
Michelle: You made fun of me when I asked for a word bank!
Foster: Yes, but keep in mind, that's only one of the many times I've made fun of you.
Theo: Is that all we need to know?
Foster: Well, I'm also going to put sum, esse on the test. But you won't get any points if you know it; I'll just take off points if you get it wrong.
Ryan: What if we only get some of it wrong?
Foster: It's all-or-nothing.
Tim: How many points?
Foster: What does it matter? Just get it right and you won't have to worry about it.
(The rest of the students start talking among themselves.)
Tim: Yeah, but how many points will we lose if we get it wrong?
Foster: All you guys care about is how many points you get! Points are stupid. Either you know the stuff or you don't. Someone did a survey to find out how many "A" students don't know anything, and how many kids who really want to learn a ton of stuff are getting "C's." It's something like 90%! So a lot of the kids who just want the points cheat, 'cause they don't see the point in learning a bunch of stuff that they don't think they're ever going to use. And yet some teachers are amazed when kids cheat. They don't realize that most of you only care about getting grades so you can go somewhere else and do something. (Shrugs.) You cheat, I lie. And some teachers are so hesitant to let kids leave the room while they're taking a test. What, do they think the kid is going to go to the bathroom and the person in the next stall will say "Psst! Hey buddy! Want to get your verb conjugated?" Careful! Someone is trafficking in black-market points! Don't buy them! If you do, I suggest you use a check that isn't good- because the points won't be either!
(Tim rises and crosses to Foster.)
Tim: Can I go to the bathroom?
Foster: I hate it when I'm having a conversation I'm enjoying, and I hope the other person is enjoying it too, and then someone comes and asks to go to the bathroom.
(Tim puts his hands on his hips.)
Foster: Look at him, standing with his arms akimbo.
Theo: Akimbo?
Foster: That's what it's called when someone stands with his hands on his hips.
Tim: (Drops his hands to his sides.) Can I go?
Foster: (Shrugs.) Sure. Take a pass. I am the secretary of peeing people. All these kids come up to me and say, "I have something to live for! I have to pee! Give me a urinal or give me death!"
(Tim takes a pass off Foster's desk and exits.)
Foster: (Turns back to class and notices them talking.) You know, I've really been getting tired of all this talking. Next class, you're going to have new seats.
Ryan: It'll succeed miserably.
Jess: Can't you just tell us now?
Foster: Well, I still have to go home and make the seating chart. I have to go through all the permutations of where I can put all you annoying people so you will be the least annoying. As a teacher, I am the all-being master of time, space, and dimensions!
Ryan: Maybe you're sucky and boring and we don't want to listen to you!
Foster: Make a bumper sticker- it might catch on. You guys are just contrary, evil people. Look! I'm making a stern face! Normally when I feel like this, I run down to the gym. But I haven't have time today, so... Tim, can I punch you? Oh, wait, he's not here. Oh my God, I've known you guys for months now. My goals are suitably low. I'm not here to entertain you!
Theo: But you do it so well!
Foster: Yeah, but I would like it if you guys would do some Latin well. I know it's a hard language sometimes. When I was taking it in school, I thought this was a stupid language spoken by stupid people who needed a much better life. I don't think they had enough board games. That's why Latin went out of business. But you think Latin is bad? Try learning Greek! The Romans may not have understood what they were talking about, but they were probably going around saying "Phew! At least we don't speak Greek! Your language sucks!" The Greeks made up words for everything. They made up new words all the time. "I've been up for three hours and I haven't made a new word yet. I just don't feel Greek anymore." But there weren't a whole lot of languages around back then. Think about it. How does language spread?
Andrew: By conquering people!
Foster: (Laughs.) Yeah, I'm already down the block and I'll be conquering the rest of town after lunch. We've conquered the Joneses! We have their front yard and we're going to launch a frontal assault on their garage!
Ryan: Is Jones even a Roman name?
Foster: (Ignoring him.) You guys may think it's hard to learn Latin, but it's really difficult to teach it, since it's not a living language. In French class you can watch French movies and listen to French music. Latin music is Ricky Martin! Back when I took Latin, we actually had to learn some Latin. The modern version of Latin is "I'm tookin' it because it's so close to my Special Ed classroom." No offence to Special Ed kids, but there are so few people in here who seriously want to learn Latin. Infinitus est numerus stultorum. "Infinity is the number of the stupid." " 'I want to call my friend, Stupid.' 'Oh, dial Infinity.' 'I'm sorry. I can't connect you. That number is no longer finite.' " I think in these days, teachers shouldn't be tenured. After four years, they should be deified. But you still have to learn enough Latin to pass this class. So, turn to page 19 and we'll translate it together. I think you guys will enjoy this about as much as a dose of the plague! (Opens book. Students open their books, except for Ryan.) "Pandora's Box." Michelle, do the first sentence.
Michelle: I-ap...
Foster: Iapetus.
Michelle: Iapetus has two sons, Pro-meth-eus and Ep-im-eth-eus.
Foster: Okay. Tim? Where's Tim?
Jess: He hasn't come back from the bathroom yet.
Foster: Why does it always take him so long? Never mind. CJ?
CJ: Prometheus is a great wise man, um...
Foster: Actually, that would be "a man of great wisdom."
CJ: Oh.
Foster: Keep going. Epimetheus....
CJ: Epimetheus is a man without wisdom.
(Tim enters and sits at his desk.)
Foster: Ah, Tim. You can do the next sentence.
CJ: Can I go to the bathroom now that Tim's back?
Foster: Sure. (CJ stands up.) Oh, CJ, I know it's the last class before vacation, but is the dress code still in effect?
CJ: (Defiantly.) Yeah.
Foster: So you are deliberately subverting the system so you can express the fact that you are calipigian.
CJ: What's calipigian?
Foster: It basically just means that you have a butt crack.
Michelle: Did you just make that up?
Foster: No, it's a real word.
Michelle: Who comes up with all these words?
Andrew: Probably the Greeks.
Foster: Well, go ahead, CJ. (CJ leaves.) I saw a girl at the mall the other day. What it looked like was two midgets wrestling in a sleeping bag. But I think it was just really tight pants. Okay. Tim, the next sentence.
Tim: Where are we?
Foster: Page 19, line 5.
Tim: Okay. (Opens book.) Um, okay... Jupiter and Epimetheus gave, um... no, Pandora gave....
Foster: No. What's the verb?
Tim: Um, dat?
Foster: What person and number?
Tim: Um, she gave?
Foster: Well, actually it's in the present tense. And the subject is Jupiter, so it's he gives, not Jupiter and Epimetheus gave. Through the miracles of modern science, he can become a woman, but he cannot become two people.
Tim: Oh.
Foster: So finish that sentence: Jupiter gives....
Tim: Jupiter gives a beautiful woman Pandora?
(Ryan slouches far down in his seat.)
Foster: Okay, but who did Jupiter give Pandora to?
Tim: Um....
Foster: Well, what's the only word left in the sentence?
Tim: Epimetheus?
Foster: Right. That's gotta be Epimetheus 'cause he's there. It had to be him, Officer. He's in the sentence. Sometimes I feel like a retarded butcher.
Tim: What does this mean?
Foster: It means that they've run out of things to say with the words we know. Let's go back to the non-drooling portion of the room. (Turns to Ryan.) Sit up, you frighteningly linear person! And do line 7.
Ryan: (Sits up.) I don't have my book.
Foster: Well then look on with Theo. Were you just going to sit there all period and hope I didn't call on you?
Ryan: (Ignores Foster and looks at Theo's book.) Prometheus often warned Epimetheus of Pandora: "O Epimetheus, you err!"
Foster: Good, except it's present tense. And it makes more sense to say he warns Epimetheus about Pandora, not of her. Can you go on a bit?
Ryan: "You do not see the danger. You must not accept the woman."
Foster: Good. Okay, Andrew.
Andrew: Epimetheus said, "You love Pandora."
Foster: That's not second person, that's first person. When we see "O", we know it's "I". So it's "I love Pandora."
(CJ enters and sits at her desk.)
Tim: I still don't understand that first person, second person thing.
Foster: The only way to know is by knowing. Well, think about it. If you were the first guy to speak, who is the first person you would talk about?
Tim: Uh... me?
Foster: Yeah, so "I" is the first person. So the second person would be the person you're talking to. "You go make a fire! After all, I just invented speech." All you guys have to do is first learn English, then quickly learn Latin. "Hi, I am a closet grammar ignorer." Get it?
Tim: Yeah.
Foster: All right. Jess, continue the story.
Jess: Jupiter gives Epimetheus a box; it is not permitted to open the box.
Foster: Good. Michelle? Could you turn your body so conversation with Tim becomes less physically comfortable?
Michelle: I wasn't talking!
Foster: Well, the fact that Tim was looking at your lips moving seemed a pretty good indication that you were talking. What, has he got an aura that you appreciate? Tim, do the next sentence. After "it is not permitted to open the box."
Tim: But Pandora is curious. She says, "What is in the box? Jewels? Booty?"
Foster: Translate things as booty when they are booty. Pecunia means money. Michelle, continue.
Michelle: The woman opens the box.
Foster: Okay, Theo.
Theo: Many forms of evil fly out and err.
Foster: Well, actually in this case, errant is translated as "wander." It's slightly less powerful in the story if all these evil things are going around saying "2+2=5." Okay, Dan, would you finish the story?
Dan: But Pandora saves hope in the box. Even if life is full of evils, we always have hope.
Foster: Dan, you're so good when you're awake! Yay for Dan being awake and having the right answer! The version of the story in my myth book says that Pandora went insane with curiosity and opened the box. Actually, the word "insane" comes from sanus, healthy, with the in prefix, meaning "not healthy." So "insane" is just a euphemism for crazy. "Can Jimmy come out and play?" "No, he's not well today. He's upstairs tacking himself to the ceiling." And out of Pandora's Box came evils! Disease! Death! Latin class!
Tim: This is such a weird story.
Foster: Well, it's a myth. What is mythology? It's religion that some other guy believes in. Zeus put on funny glasses and a moustache and was God! Smells like a heretic! You just think it's weird because it's not a story from a "modern" (Finger quotes.) religion- meaning it's older than several thousand years. Okay, let's put this away and do something else. Oh, does anyone have a pen I can borrow?
(Michelle gives Foster a pen.)
Foster: Thanks. My ELL class keeps borrowing mine and never returning them.
Jess: What's ELL?
Foster: It stands for "English Language Learning." They used to call it ESL, "English as a Second Language," but had to change it because they didn't want to offend anyone who knows two languages besides English. We'd have five kids in ESL, one or two in ETL, maybe even someone in EFL. Couldn't have that. So they call it ELL. After all, school is all about self-esteem. I like to feel good in school! Where would we be if we couldn't feel good about who we are?
Ryan: Here.
Foster: (Laughs.) Yeah. This should be ELL. Entertainment for Latin Lovers.
Ryan: Well, it kind of is.
CJ: What do you do in that class?
Foster: I don't really know. At the beginning of the year they just told me to go teach the class. They didn't give me any curriculum or anything. I figured the kids hardly knew any English, so I showed up and started talking really slowly. "Hel-lo. I- am- Mis-ter- Fos-ter." Then one of the kids starts taking really fast. "Why are you talking so slow? We're not stupid." Turns out there're kids in that class who have lived here all their lives. I asked an Oriental boy when he had moved to America, and he said, with not even a trace of an accent, "I was born in California." He doesn't know why he's here. I guess the school called his parents, "Hello? You're John's mother? Oh, you have an accent, let's stick your kid in ELL." There's no point in being American. There's this one girl who's from Bangladesh, but she speaks English fine, she just can't pronounce the letter "r." So she's in ELL.
Tim: Where is this class?
Foster: Mrs. Hamel's room. You know that room at the end of the S wing that looks like it was created to store your doorstops? I bet the architect was sitting there saying "here's a space, let's stick this weird-shaped room in it!" I wasn't planning on discussing this, so I'm being random right now. What do you say when you walk into a store and the guy says "Kep'yu?" I said, " 'Slookin'." I couldn't tell what he said next, but it sounded like "F'yu."
Theo: Mr. Foster, you are undeniably weird.
Foster: Oh, you don't want to live in Mr.-Foster-Land. Well, it looks like class is almost over.
(Class begins to pack up.)
Jess: Do we have homework?
Foster: No, you have no homework.
Andrew: Good. I wouldn't do it anyway.
Foster: I was hoping to reduce your fantasy workload. All right, guys, see you next class.
CJ: Are you going to ride home on your scooter?
Foster: (Laughs.) Yes.
Michelle: I thought it was a moped.
Foster: No, because "moped" comes from "motor" and "pedals." Mo-ped. So a moped has....
Andrew: Pedals?
Foster: Right. And mine doesn't. So it's a scooter.
(Bell rings.)
(Class and Foster exit as lights dim. Curtain closes.)
(Curtain opens for curtain call. Cast comes out and takes their bows.)
Foster: This play is based completely on real events.
Jess: Well, it's basically just a year's worth of classes condensed into one. But most of the stuff here is actually what Mr. Foster said.
Foster: Oh my God! I've become a goofy quote whore!
Theo: But we're not paying you!
Foster: Oh no! I've become a goofy quote slut!
Theo: That's better.
Dan: And now we have to say a few disclaimers. We don't really want to, but the author seems to think that they're necessary.
Ryan: All characters in this play are based completely on real people. Any resemblance to actual people is completely intentional. Names have not been changed; we are not trying to protect privacy. These characters have no privacy. And if anyone wants to complain about it, too bad. They shouldn't've acted that way in the first place if they don't like it in the play.
Dan: We're also supposed to say that the character of Mr. Foster is not as mean in real life as he is in the play. (Whispers.) It's not true. He's a brutal taskmaster!
Andrew: (Elbows Dan.) Like we said, he's not really that mean. That's just what happens when you take what he says out of context and put it into a new context.
CJ: Next year, Mr. Foster's going to teach French. And he'll seem even meaner than he did this time. But he's still not really that mean.
Jess: So stick around for Je Foste, Tu Fostes!
(Cast bows and exits.)
(Curtain closes.)

Continue on to Je Foste, Tu Fostes

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