The Binder: Plays: Cornflakes

Cornflakes

- - - - That Which is the First Scene - - - -
Mom: Billy, Johnny, I'd like you to meet your father... who is also your uncle.
Johnny: Does that mean I'm my own cousin?
Dad: Yes Johnny. It's true. You're terribly inbred. You'll probably go crazy just like King George III.
Billy: Okay. Goodnight Daddy.
Dad: Goodnight Billy.

- - - - The Next Morning - - - -
Dad: Well Billy, you've earned yourself a trip to... the FUNNY FARM!
Johnny: Mommy, can't I go with Billy?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.

- - - - Later - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, now that Billy's gone, can I have his room?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: I did already, Mommy.
Mom: Well eat them again.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - The Next Day - - - -
Johnny: Guess what I learned in school today, Mommy.
Mom: ...How to kill your son... I mean, what did you learn in school today, Johnny?
Johnny: My teacher taught us that no matter how bad you think your life is, you should be happy because there's always someone who's worse off than you.
Mom: Well Johnny, your teacher's a liar. You do have the worst life in the world. Now eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: The ones from yesterday?
Mom: Yes Johnny.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Later - - - -
Johnny: Mommy?
Mom: Yes Johnny?
Johnny: Hey Mom! What's with all the cornflakes for breakfast?
Mom: It's good for you!
Johnny: But I... HATE... CORNFLAKES!
Mom: Be quiet Johnny or I'll send you to Albuquerque!
Johnny: Okay Mommy.
Mom: And eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - ....Sometime.... - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, can I have a sip of your booze?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Can I have some booze if I put it on my cornflakes?
Mom: Okay Johnny.
Johnny: Thanks Mommy.

- - - - The Next Day - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, in school today, our teacher told us not to drink 'cause it's bad.
Mom: Well Johnny, your teacher's lying. Here, have some booze.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Soon - - - -
Johnny: You're right Mommy. Booze 'hic' is great!
Mom: That's right Johnny. I'm right and your teacher is a moron. Now eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: But Mommy, we're out of cornflakes.
Mom: Then go eat some hamster food.
Johnny: Can I have some booze with it?
Mom: Yes Johnny. Now go eat your hamster food.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Some Other Time - - - -
Johnny: Good morning Mommy.
Mom: Johnny it's 6 PM.
Johnny: Oh.
Mom: Your friends are here. They want you to go party with them.
Johnny: Okay. Goodbye Mommy.
Mom: Wait Johnny. Eat your cornflakes- I mean hamster food- first.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Johnny With His Friends - - - -
Friend 1: Johnny, have you been eating cornflakes again?
Johnny: Nah, cornflakes is so two scenes ago. I'm onto hamster food.
Friend 2: You know what they say, cornflakes is the gateway breakfast cereal.
Johnny: Yep. Heh, heh, heh.
Friend 1: Let's go get drunk and high.
Johnny: Okay. But I'm already drunk. My mom gave me some booze.
Friend 2: Dude, you have the coolest mom!
Johnny: I know. She's the one who got me into hamster food.
Friend 1: Do you think she'll give us some booze?
Johnny: Yeah, but she'll probably make you eat hamster food with it.
Friend 2: Cool!

- - - - The Next Day - - - -
Mom: Johnny, time to get up and go to school! Your friends are waiting for you.
Johnny: Coming Mommy.
Mom: Johnny?
Johnny: Yes Mommy?
Mom: Go back upstairs and put some pants on.
Johnny: But those aren't my pants.
Mom: I don't care.
Johnny: Okay Mommy... Is this better?
Mom: Yes Johnny. Now eat your hamster food and go to school.
Friend 1: Can we have some hamster food too?
Mom: Okay.
Friend 2: Thanks!
Friend 1: C'mon Johnny, we gotta go to school.
Johnny: Okay. What class do we have first?
Friend 2: Health.
Johnny: Oh good. There's this guy who sits next to me that sells cornflakes, hamster food, and even Fruit Loops. I think I'm gonna buy some Fruit Loops to smoke during lunch.
Friend 1: Colored smoke rings!
Friend 2: Oh yeah!
Friend 1: You know, Johnny, you're a real breakfast cereal junkie.
Johnny: Yeah....
Mom: Now go to school. And eat your hamster food.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - When the Crazy Writer Speaks to Herself - - - -
Voice-in-Head 1: I'd like to protest.
ViH 2: Why whatever for?
ViH 1: Cornflakes never started out being about alcohol and drugs. It started out being about, well, cornflakes.
ViH 2: *shrugs* What can I say, it's a product of Health class and many boring History classes.
ViH 1: Yeah, I guess you're right. But still, can't we get onto other subject matter?
ViH 2: Hey, if you've got any bright ideas, tell them to Voice-in-head 3. She's the one who does most of the writing.
ViH 3: Hey, don't drag me into this. Why do you think I wrote two and a half pages about drugs and alcohol? I've been running out of material ever since that "Weird Al" reference.
ViH 2: So that's why you put this conversation into Cornflakes.
ViH 1: Well, I think you had something good going with the whole "breakfast cereal junkie" thing. Why not just continue with that?
ViH 3: I can try.
ViH 1: After all, it's a bit cleaner material than all the drugs-and-alcohol stuff. If the authorities read this, they probably wouldn't allow it in school.
ViH 2: They probably shouldn't allow Health class in school if drug and alcohol references is what they're going on.
ViH 3: The authorities? Hah! Aliens. Re: "The Lab-Rat Theory."
ViH 1: Yeah, you're both right.
ViH 2: What say we wrap things up? The readers are probably either getting bored ort laughing their heads off.
ViH 1: Yeah. Okay.
ViH 3: So I'll go easy on the drugs and alcohol references. Wait. Could I just turn cornflakes into a hallucinogen and go with that?
ViH 1: Sure.
ViH 2: Great. Okay, goodbye.
ViH 1: Okay, okay, I can take a hint.

- - - - Back in Johnny's World - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my friend gave me a mushroom today. Can I eat it?
Mom: No Johnny. Pants are dirty.
Johnny: But Mommy, I'm talking about mushrooms.
Mom: Oh.
Johnny: So can I eat it?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: But I want some hamster food.
Mom: No Johnny. Now eat your cornflakes or I'll only let you have Cocoa Puffs.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Johnny in Health Class - - - -
Friend 1: Hey, where's that dude who sells the breakfast cereals?
Johnny: Oh, there he is. Hey, Al!
Al: That's Alfred Honorious the Third to you, bucco.
Johnny: Uh, yeah. So, got any Fruit Loops?
Al: Nah, I'm all out right now. All I've got is Frosted Cheerios.
Johnny: Okay, I'll take a bag of those. How much?
Al: Well, maybe we can trade. I heard your mom gives you hamster food. A bag for a bag.
Johnny: Okay. Here.
Al: Yeah, here's the Cheerios.
Johnny: Thanks.
Al: Yeah, yeah. Quick, put it away! Here comes the teacher.
Teacher: Okay guys, siddown and shuddup! We've got stuff to talk about!

- - - - Later, At Johnny's House - - - -
Johnny: Hello, Mommy.
Mom: Hello Johnny. How was school today?
Johnny: Guess what?
Mom: Dancing flaming space camels! I mean, what, Johnny?
Johnny: My Health teacher taught us a good way to commit suicide.
Mom: That's good Johnny. Remember that now. With your life, you'll need it someday.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.
Mom: Did your teacher also tell you about Jeremy?
Johnny: Oh, you mean Jeremy and his vestigial organ?
Mom: Yes Johnny. Do you know what else is a vestigial organ?
Johnny: Scott. Scott the cat.
Mom: Okay, what part of Scott?
Johnny: No, not a part of him. All of him. He is a vestigial organ.
Mom: Okay Johnny. Now eat your Frosted Cheerios.
Johnny: How did you know I have Frosted Cheerios?
Mom: I'm your mother. I know everything. Now eat your cereal.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - History Class - - - -
Johnny: Guess what Mommy!
Mom: All the California hippies with their long-hair bare-feet sittin' in a circle singin' Kumbaya.
Johnny: Okay... no... try again.
Mom: All the homeboys hangin' in their hood yo singin' "It's Gettin' Hot in Here."
Johnny: Well no... but closer. Anyway, my History teacher told me that I'm on the FBI's watch list!
Mom: ....Why?
Johnny: Because this long-haired long-bearded hippie dictator sent me a postcard from Cuba.
Mom: Oh. Okay. Now go eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Mommy?
Mom: Yes Johnny?
Johnny: Can I go to Cuba and become a hippie dictator?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Please? Pleasey pleasey please?
Mom: NO Johnny! I said, eat your cornflakes!
Johnny: But Mommy, I don't have any cornflakes.
Mom: Hamster food then. Go eat your hamster food.
Johnny: I don't have any hamster food either. All I have is those Frosted Cheerios.
Mom: THEN GO EAT YOUR FROSTED CHEERIOS!
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Duh.... - - - -
Johnny: Hi Mommy! Guess what I learned in school today!
Mom: Crushing peoples' souls!
Johnny: Um, no. I learned how to make a girl pregnant without having sex!
Mom: That's wonderful Johnny! Did your Health teacher tell you that too?
Johnny: Yes Mommy.
Mom: Did she also tell you how to crush peoples' souls?
Johnny: No Mommy.
Mom: Oh. Eat your Frosted Cheerios.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - The Next Day - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, can I have some hamster food?
Mom: No Johnny. I got some more cornflakes so you'll have to eat those from now on. No more hamster food. Or Fruit Loops.
Johnny: Frosted Cheerios?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Soon - - - -
Johnny: Wow Mommy! These cornflakes are great! Why is your hair green?
Mom: You must be hallucinating Johnny.
Johnny: Oh. Okay Mommy. Tangerine trees and marmalade skies!
Mom: Stop singing Johnny.
Johnny: Mommy, you have kaleidoscope eyes.
Mom: Shut up Johnny.
Johnny: Cellophane flowers of yellow and green towering over your head.
Mom: I mean it Johnny!
Johnny: Hey look! A bridge by a fountain! And rocking-horse people eating marshmallow pies!
Mom: Stop it! Stop it!
Johnny: Wow! A newspaper taxi just pulled up! There- on the shore!
Mom: Why don't you get in and go away forever?
Johnny: I'll climb in the back with my head in the clouds and I'm gone....
Mom: Good, good, now stop singing....
Johnny: I'm on a train in a station! The plasticine porters have looking glass ties!
Mom: I said stop singing!
Johnny: Hey- you're there at the turnstile with your kaleidoscope eyes!
Mom: Stop it now!
Johnny: Mommy, you never told me your name was Lucy!
Mom: IT'S NOT!
Johnny: Oh. Okay Mommy.

- - - - The Next Day - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, today my teacher taught us how to erode the human soul!
Mom: My evil plan is finally being realized! I mean, how do you erode human souls, Johnny?
Johnny: I don't remember. I wasn't taking notes.
Mom: Darn you Johnny! Darn you to heck!
Johnny: Ohh....
Phil: *poof* Hi, I'm Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light. Did someone call?
Johnny: Is he carrying a spoon?
Mom: Shut up Johnny. Yes. I want to darn my son to heck.
Phil: Okay. But it'll cost you.
Mom: How much?
Phil: It depends. How old is the boy?
Mom: We're not quite sure. He still says "Mommy" but he is in a high school-level Health class. So I think he's either 7 or 14..
Phil: I see... In that case, two large boxes of cornflakes, and I'll spirit him away to heck.
Mom: Two large boxes? No way! That's way too much. One small box.
Phil: One large, one small.
Mom: No way! One large.
Phil: Three small. That's my final offer.
Mom: No. That's too much.
Phil: Too bad then. Your son stays here. *poof*
Mom: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Phil: Mommy, can I have some cornflakes?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: But you just said I couldn't have any.
Mom: Oh. Eat your cornflakes anyway.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Some Other Day - - - -
Johnny: Guess what I learned in school today, Mommy.
Mom: All the cool kids have spoons.
Johnny: Well, yes, they do.... Anyway, in Health class today, we watched a movie.
Mom: Is that a movie or a myoo-vay?
Johnny: Um.... Anyway, there was this boy and girl who were making out and everything, but they looked like they were about to fall asleep.
Mom: So?
Johnny: I thought when people slept together, they did more than just... go to sleep.
Mom: Shut up Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Several Days Later - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my History teacher talked a lot today.
Mom: Yes, they do that. He probably didn't eat his cornflakes when he was your age.
Johnny: He said that rulers should bring back the guillotine. And that teachers should use it too!
Mom: I didn't realize your teacher was so... well I can't say that, he's not.
Johnny: Yeah....
Mom: So how would this guillotined system work?
Disembodied Spirit of Johnny's History Teacher: I shall answer that. *poof!* A student doesn't do his homework? Wop! Off goes his finger. He talks in class? Wop! There goes another finger. He runs out of fingers? Well, he wasn't worth anything anyway. He's no good; send him back to his mommy. Anyone commits a crime? Murder? Guillotine him! Grand larceny? Guillotine him! Shoplifting a stick of gum? Guillotine him! That'll take care of all those capitalist... well I can't say that word in school. Anyway. *poof!*
Mom: Ah. Good. Okay, Johnny. Go eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: But Mommy he already cut one of my fingers off with the guillotine!
Mom: Then you'll just have to work harder to hold your spoon, won't you, Johnny? Now go eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - At a Quite Distinct Point inTime - - - -
Johnny: Good morning Mommy.
Mom: Good morning Johnny. Would you like some cereal?
Johnny: Yes Mommy. Can I have some cornflakes?
Mom: It's "may I," Johnny. And the answer to your question is yes, and no.
Johnny: Just gimme some cereal, Mommy.
Mom: I have something special for you, Johnny: not regualr cornflakes, frosted cornflakes!
Johnny: Ooh!
Mom: We call them Frosted Flakes!
Johnny: Yay! Gimme! Gimme!
Mom: Here Johnny.
Johnny: Yummy!

- - - - Flashback to 1974 - - - -
Mom: Well Johnny, Merry Christmas.
Johnny: Merry Christmas Mommy. What did you get me?
Mom: Well Johnny, you know we're pretty poor.
Johnny: Oh, not dirt again!
Mom: No Johnny, not dirt. This year you get a black-market pet rock!
Johnny: Groovy!
Mom: You get the rock, but no box.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.
Mom: Good Johnny. Now eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - After English Class - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, what is being the passive tense?
Mom: The passive tense is being used as an alternative to the active tense.
Johnny: Is the passive tense being fun?
Mom: Oh yes Johnny. The passive tense is being such glorious fun. It is being spoken by many.
Johnny: Mommy, how many is everyone being?
Mom: Everyone is being singular, but no one is being plural.
Johnny: Oh. I am seeing.
Mom: And a preposition is not being used as the word to be ending a sentence with.
Johnny: I am thanking you for your having helped me, Mommy.
Mom: Good. Now you must be going to be eating your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy. I am going to be eating my cornflakes.

- - - - Random Question Time - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, Z?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - When in Rome - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my friend invited me over to his house to watch dirt. Can I go?
Mom: What is he, an ancient Roman?
Johnny: ....yes....
Mom: Oh. Okay.So can I go?Well... is this dirt formosa?
Johnny: Oh, very.
Mom: Okay, Johnny, you can go. But first, eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Back Again - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, John Lennon said that the Queen is intelligent.
Mom: Yes Johnny, that's right, Queen is a very good band.
Johnny: No Mommy. The Queen of England! He said that it wouldn't spoil her cornflakes.
Mom: What wouldn't spoil her cornflakes? Having a band named after her?
Johnny: I guess so. Mommy, can a band be named after my friend, Replacement Phil?
Mom: Yes Johnny. Now go eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: But they're spoiled!
Mom: Too bad Johnny. Eat them anyway.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - To The Drink - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my friend says I have a drinking problem.
Mom: Well you don't. Have some booze.
Johnny: Thanks Mommy.
Mom: And eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - The Next Day - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my friend says I still have a drinking problem!
Mom: No you don't. Why is your shirt all wet?
Johnny: Because of my drinking problem.
Mom: I am staring blankly.
Johnny: I try to drink, but I dribble it on my shirt.
Mom: Johnny, do I have to put you back on the bottle?
Johnny: Can you put cornflakes in a bottle?
Mom: ....No.
Johnny: Oh.
Mom: Then I guess- no bottle for you!
Johnny: Ohh....
Mom: Now go change your shirt.
Johnny: Yes Mommy.
Mom: And eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - A Foster Child - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, guess what I did today!
Mom: Sometimes I feel like a retarded butcher. I mean, what did you do today, Johnny?
Johnny: I led the pigeons to the flag!
Mom: You know, for a short period of time, everything about you was amazing. Then you turned into an inept dork.
Johnny: What is mythology, Mommy?
Mom: It's religion that some other guy believes in.
Johnny: Well, if I'm having a party, God's not coming.
Mom: Look- I'm making a stern face!
Johnny: Smiley mighty Jesus!
Mom: Wait a minute- I have to go answer the door.
Friend: Can Johnny come out and play?
Mom: No, he's not well today. He's upstairs tacking himself to the ceiling.
Friend: I will trade you a camel for your chips!
Mom: No. Go away. And Johnny, eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - After Science Class - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my Chemistry teacher was telling us stuff today.
Mom: Ah, the learning process, in all of its exciting glory.
Johnny: What are cosmic rays?
Mom: They're what hippies see when they're on acid. Just like people of color.
Johnny: Really mommy?
Mom: Of course. Where do you think they got the idea for M&M's?
Johnny: Because they wanted a chocolate that would melt in your mouth, not your hands?
Mom: That's stupid. The best chocolates are the kind that melt in your hands, not your mouth. And all the best ideas come form acid.
Johnny: Okay Mommy. Can I have some acid?
Mom: No Johnny. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Having A Gay Old Time - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, I think my new Hidstory teacher is gay.
Mom: Why Johnny, what would make you think that?
Johnny: All the Greeks say he is.
Mom: Well that's just silly. Has he met all the Greeks?
Johnny: I guess so.
Mom: Okay then. Eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - Gay Pizza - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my teacher said a queer thing today.
Mom: Is this the gay History teacher?
Johnny: Yes Mommy. He said that he wanted a pizza- a sausage pizza!
Mom: What's so strange about that? He's gay.
Johnny: That's why I said it was queer.
Mom: Oh. Okay. Now go eat your cornflakes.
Johnny: Can I have some sausage with them?
Mom: No Johnny.
Johnny: Okay Mommy.

- - - - What the Sidewalk Ends With - - - -
Johnny: Mommy, my English teacher talked more today than he ever has before.
Mom: Well, who were you sitting beside?
Johnny: My friends are who I was near.
Mom: Hmm, well what was he talking about?
Johnny: He said that prepositions aren't to be used for ending sentences with.
Mom: That's good advice to go away from class with.
Johnny: Yes, through my life I will carry it along.
Mom: Your room is where you should now go up to.
Johnny: That is where I shall go towards.
Mom: Then dinner is what I shall next see you for.
Johnny: No, to my friend's house I will be going over.
Mom: Then you I shall dine without.
Johnny: Now I will be going along.
Mom: Finish your homework before you go out.
Johnny: The window I will sneak through.
Mom: Okay, now to your room go up. And cornflakes are what you should eat of.