The Rules of Band, or, All I Need to Know I Learned from Marching Band


  1. Obey F.
  2. Don't argue, just obey.
  3. Don't defend yourself. It just makes it worse.
  4. Teeth is the key to a fake smile.
  5. It's not okay to be wrong.
  6. Sounding bad is not good.
  7. When the music is slow, roll your feet backwards.
  8. Pain is your friend. You'll never escape it.
  9. A euphonium and a flag don't mix well.
  10. A euphonium is just a baby tuba.
  11. Stay in time.
  12. Know how to fake your drill.
  13. Dress to the form, not to the dot.
  14. The key to dealing with things is to not deal with them.
  15. Band is the wellspring of inspiration.
  16. The key to not exploding is to imagine F exploding.
  17. Forget your family. You'll never see them again. Band is your family now.
  18. If you think you're important, play. Important people play!
  19. Less tongue! Less tongue!
  20. You must make playing the triangle fun!
  21. Practice all of this. Stop playing!
  22. Band can be the best part of your day. Especially if you're only in Color Guard and marching band season is over.
  23. Band is different.
  24. Start together, finish together.
  25. Learn to count.
  26. Band is life.
  27. This is not meander band!
  28. Meander Band: Blindly going where no one has gone before.
  29. Band is a four-letter word.
  30. You don't want to see F ugly.
  31. Be good so you don't get yelled at.
  32. Practice. Always practice.
  33. When someone says set, set!
  34. Don't relax until someone tells you to relax.
  35. Never give Spencer money.
  36. Give Hannah money instead. She's the better mooch.
  37. You always regret your decisions the first day of band camp.
  38. Balance!
  39. Don't do things unless you're told to.
  40. What is that? Oh, it's just the low brass breathing.
  41. Look musical!
  42. Win hat day!
  43. Dead Squirrels make good hat toppings.
  44. The Band is only a division of the Color Guard.
  45. The Color Guard is only a division of the Band.
  46. If you toss a flag, catch it!
  47. Drop a flag and die.
  48. If you toss a flag, don't catch it with your face.
  49. Always walk ten feet behind Danielle.
  50. Don't eat any food distributed by the blond bomb. (Danielle. It will kill you.)
  51. Put your things away or Megan will bite you.
  52. Megan will always threaten to kill you.
  53. Look at Spencer!
  54. Hannah is always right!
  55. Learn which number comes after which.
  56. Teamwork is essential whilst putting flags in bags.
  57. SOUP.
  58. Don't follow Megan's tempo.
  59. The guard closet is your second refrigerator.
  60. Dance ain't band.
  61. Watch for the cut-off.
  62. Nothing can ruin your day like band.
  63. Play together.
  64. Oh, and the right notes would help too, when you get a chance.
  65. Band is Band.
  66. Band doesn't end when Marching Band is over. Unless you're in Color Guard, but don't tell F that.
  67. Staccato does not mean short! It means separated!
  68. It you can sing it, you can play it. But not the other way around.
  69. Do you breathe? NO!
  70. Band equals comic relief.
  71. Get it right.
  72. Don't rush.
  73. Don't talk.
  74. This is what I want in rehearsal: NOTHING!
  75. Why do you play high and low stuff? Cause you SUCK at it!
  76. F can't sing.
  77. Okay, how many of you decrescendoed?
  78. Subdivide!
  79. I don't have 'dah dah dit dit dit dah,' I have 'DAH DAH DIT DIT DIT DAH!'
  80. Sit up straight.
  81. Pretend you're really playing.
  82. Don't fall, Megan.
  83. Who stole my pencil AGAIN?
  84. Find 65. It's 6 before 71.
  85. Don't put stuff in F's hair.
  86. I feel like I'm a monkey up here!
  87. Kyle looks like a skinny Buddha.
  88. Left, right, left, right.
  89. Music, good. Spencer singing, bad.
  90. Never have food around Spencer.
  91. It's craziness! No, it's Band.
  92. Art is what I want it to be.
  93. Moo, moo, moo, moo.
  94. I can't hear anything!
  95. Get everything to 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.'
  96. If we don't get it today, by golly, we'll get it tomorrow!
  97. Chin up, shoulders back, get it right or pay the price.
  98. "I love my mom... I love my mom...."
  99. "Megan smells. Megan smells. She doesn't shower, here we go!"
  100. Don't fall asleep in Band.
  101. Don't let Jenny have lollipops at football games.
  102. Mommy, why is Marching Band evil?
  103. Band Camp is where you don't know if you're dead or if you just envy the dead.
  104. How big are the pizzas?
  105. What is this, moron day?
  106. No matter what you think, you're always wrong.
  107. You're not allowed to breathe.
  108. Whoa! That's green!
  109. Spencer's classic look: pajama pants.
  110. Spencer, keep your hands on your neck.
  111. Jenny: blondly going where no one has gone before
  112. Dead cows!

  1. Richard, pull your cape in!
  2. I said check and adjust, not check, adjust, and hit yourself in the head with your drill!
  3. Time flies when you're having drill.
  4. TJ, you're whiter than Michael Jackson.
  5. That's what we need- whip the trumpets!
  6. Are you saying I'm nasty and illegal?
  7. No, no, we're only complaining right now.
  8. Shoulders to the sideline.
  9. I'm old. I forget. That's what happens when you turn 29.
  10. I'm cool with that, yo.
  11. Richard, that was awesome!
  12. Front line, Erin Paul is your goddess! Back line, Josh Cushing is your goddess!
  13. Dan has a banana in his back.
  14. Imagine there was a glass rod in your spine. If you move it one millimeter, you're dead! You're dead!
  15. Marching is combining music and pictures. And you guys are the trippy designs.
  16. I'll give you a hard time if you're an idiot.
  17. Spencer, why are you putting your clothes back on?
  18. I'd tell you to stop marching last year's show, but you weren't here last year.
  19. This is Band. We don't care if we look like dorks.
  20. We'll sacrifice you on a set.
  21. Other than a couple really goofy things that you're doing....
  22. You look like a caterpillar back there.
  23. You're not in chorus to be trained monkeys. That's what Band is for.
  24. Make them throw babies!
  25. Is it Mozart? Is it Mozart? Yes it is, yes it is.
  26. It's quarter notes and eighth notes, not brain surgery!
  27. If you can play bum diggity diggity bop, you can play dum dum brrum diggity.
  28. We're not gonna go out there and be a bunch of individuals!
  29. What if vanilla didn't have to suffer?
  30. Your mother, Choose.
  31. Crush a marble!
  32. Your poles look like a box of toothpicks!
  33. Ben: a Dirt major with a concentration in Grass.
  34. This is about getting better.
  35. Let's wait until Tim stops talking.
  36. Low brass, shut up!
  37. Guard, try to look as pretty as Brian.
  38. A great Color Guard looks good doing nothing.
  39. You are not allowed to kick a tire.
  40. Play to TJ's feet.
  41. 'I have a question.' 'I have an answer.'
  42. Brian, the guy's dead.
  43. You can tell I'm in Band. Look at my feet.
  44. Does it sound big, like Ben looks?
  45. Sounds like a fat kid playing kickball!
  46. Give me chills!
  47. We don't want a good show; we want a good videotape.
  48. 'If you win, you can shave [F's] hair.' 'No, if you win, you can shave [Ben's beard].'
  49. Be wrong that way!
  50. No putting out fires!
  51. 'We have an idiot box?' 'Yes, it's called the Band Room.'
  52. Flutes, are you doing a stop-and-go? It looks like you're doing an almost-fall-over-and-go.
  53. No 'Oh my God' over there!
  54. Watch me now! I am different!
  55. Guard, battery, pit, in. Everyone else, sing and march like crazy!
  56. Oh crab.
  57. At championships, there's three million people and your mom!
  58. These guys are lookin' at me. That's the problem.
  59. Tomorrow, every cut-off, every crescendo, every step matters... for a good videotape... if you know what I mean.
  60. Actually, I don't want a great videotape. I want a great DVD. They put them on DVD now!
  61. Finally, the Drumline is starting to meet their potential. Finally... finally. There is a God.
  62. Dah... dit dit harmony... dit dit more harmony.
  63. Don't listen to the trumpets.
  64. Mr. F-kimo
  65. Don't look like you're having a child.
  66. One notch before ugly.
  67. Du du dooh! Ahh.
  68. TJ, I know you're definitely not going to be a rocket scientist, but at least play the right part.
  69. Drumline, roll-step when you're going from the TV to the fridge. Everyone else, roll-step from your desk, where you study, to the fridge. I mean, everyone has to eat.
  70. If you hit a car, you hit a car. Oh well.
  71. National Guard? National Color Guard?
  72. Split the green!
  73. From 77 on, I have to focus so hard my eyeballs pop out of my head.
  74. Don't let me be intimidating.
  75. Don't go through life being afraid to be wrong.
  76. I'd rather just go like this and you'll play, rather than flap my arms and fly off the podium.
  77. You are right. You're not correct, you're right.
  78. Drumline, listen, so you don't make my life miserable... again.
  79. I don't like having a salad inside my sandwich!
  80. One, two, one, shut up, go!
  81. We're Color Guard. We don't have to be perfect; we just have to look like we are.

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