Jonathan Walsh
Claudia Esposito
Jonathan Kraus
Anni Baker
Jeff Timm
Marge Werner
Keeley Schell
Joel Relihan

• Spring 2007
• Spring 2008
• Spring 2009

• Jonathan Walsh, prof. de français
  1. Je ne suis pas un professeur méchant, mais quelquefois je suis violent, je fais des mouvements violents. Si je vous entends parler anglais, je vous donne un coup de craie à la tête.
  2. Je vais vous rendre les contrôles et j'espère que vous ne m'attaquez.
  3. La voiture n'est pas votre copine.
  4. Le moment où je suis né, j'ai faim.
  5. Zey're looking for someone smart to do ze job.
  6. Il n'y a pas d'article. L'article disparait. Poof!
  7. Walsh- Peut-être Mathurin, qui vient d'un pays francophone, ou bien Christophe, peut nous donner un petit discours à propos de la francophonie.
     Mathurin- La francophonie, c'est un pays où on parle le français.
     Walsh- Oui, mais c'est plus de juste un pays, euh, Chris.
     Chris- En fait, c'est ça, des gens au pays qui parlent français.

• Claudia Esposito, prof. de français
  1. But I'm glad that you have another reason to speak French. It's always good to have someone cute.
  2. C'est plus facile à dire Argentine, pas Argentina (pronunciation espagnol). Il faut rouler le 'r' et puis le 'huh'....

• Jonathan Kraus, prof. of religion
  1. Saturday night is Saturday night. You can dance with a significant other, you can dance with the Torah. Although, from what I'm saying, for some of us, the Torah is your significant other.
  2. My wisdom comes through Sesame Street and Prince of Egypt.
  3. If you have something to say to your parent or significant other, why not say it using the authority of the word of God?
  4. Except they didn't have Tivo, so they used scribes.
  5. We're on a magical mystery tour to find out who wrote the Bible.
  6. You want people to believe that your threat is reliable.
  7. The way you should do it is on real parchment, sewn together into a big scroll. But I've never assigned it that way.
  8. Nun is like a bet that's lost a lot of weight. It's an anorexic bet.
  9. Satan means 'prosecuting attorney'. So those of you who don't like prosecuting attorneys, it's good for you to know that Satan means 'prosecuting attorney'.
  10. I haven't finished grading the quizzes yet... or started them... but I'll try to grade them by Monday, so you know how well you have to do on the final.
  11. You go into the padded isolation room so that when you throw your Bible it doesn't hurt anyone else.
  12. The Bible is real, that's what it is. I mean sometimes it's like a cartoon....
  13. Does it seem reasonable? Well anyway, it's what you have to do.
  14. I definitely give good grades to those who make me laugh.

• Anni Baker, prof. of history
  1. There were even laws about how many courses people could have at meals. Like, commoners could only have three courses, bishops could have five, arch-bishops could have seven. You know, fish and game and soup and nuts and... ice cream.
  2. When you look at Europe, it was this tiny little peninsula with really bad weather that didn't really have a lot.
  3. The Indian Army belonged to the East India Company. It's like General Electric had its own army.
  4. Sometimes moderate goals are the enemy of radical goals.
  5. You can't really ask another country to do that. Oh, wait, I guess we're doing that now. Oh well, never mind.
  6. Rasputin had a long dirty beard. No, that's what they say. It always had food in it cause he never cleaned himself. He was a dirty and smelly man. I don't know, I've never met the guy.
  7. They tell all of these weird creepy stories about Rasputin. Even if you discount half of them, it still leaves half that are really creepy.
  8. I'll tell you about this. It's not really relevant.
  9. Okay, that's gonna last... not at all.
  10. Lenin's like a wind-up doll.
  11. This is regular Joe Six-Pack German guy.
  12. They were the face of loserdom for the Germans.
  13. These guys aren't interesting. They've got goofy beards. They've got bad suits. They're just boring bourgeoisie.
  14. That's like New York City being labelled the center of the red states in America.
  15. There are still World War I veterans alive today. I mean, there's like ten of them....
  16. It was the 1960's on steroids.
  17. What do you do with enemies? Well, you can tolerate them if you want. You kill them!
  18. People who knew Stalin growing up, he had killed. That's one way to take care of people who have embarrassing stories about you.
  19. Cotton is kind of a water-intensive crop. Central Asia- a lot of water there? No, it's kind of a desert.
  20. Stalin's photoshopping people out of history.
  21. I don't want to say that conservatives are fascists. If you go to church every Sunday, you're a fascist!
  22. When you see them, the first thing you think is 'someone should blow those up.'
  23. In general, you should never support any group who's using random violence as its main method to achieve its goals.
  24. So these guys were the Black Shirts, not the Black Shorts. They're a little more impressive, since they have trousers on.
  25. They had angered the people who had the guns and the money. That's not good.
  26. It's like gang violence on steroids.
  27. Overthrowing the government is not a good thing.
  28. They did lots of things that we consider unacceptable today, like the killing of political opponents. Well, I hope we consider that unacceptable. We'll say it is unacceptable for the sake of argument.
  29. There was Halloween candy everywhere. It's what I ate for dinner last night... and breakfast today.
  30. If somebody says 'if I get elected, I'm going to do five horrible things before breakfast every day,' there are going to be some people who like that.
  31. As a historian, I'd say that when somebody says they're going to wipe out a country, I'd take them seriously. Just a benefit of the doubt thing.
  32. A bunch of people in uniform is kinda scary.
  33. And what did the rest of the world do when Germany broke the rules? They wrote them angry letters.
  34. They were like Amish people. Well, in some ways they weren't at all like Amish people.
  35. Yeah, you all laugh, because you know it's true.
  36. That's a famous phrase because it wasn't true at all.
  37. The British were really lucky that they tolerated this cranky guy Churchill until he came in handy.
  38. Yeah, you can find some stories where a little old lady poked an SA guy with an umbrella.
  39. This guy gets on the bus, a drunk guy. It's nine o'clock in the morning but he's drunk, that happens in Germany.
  40. It wasn't my country so I don't really care.
  41. I say this every year, every time I teach History 102, and someone always gets upset about it but I don't care.
  42. De Gaulle wasn't really part of the government, he was just a loud guy.
  43. It was this huge gigantic big messy kind of thing.
  44. So by 1950, the Cold War was hot... cold... whatever extreme temperature.
  45. Ned Flanders was not the only one to do that.
  46. People who were university students in the 20's and 30's joined these progressive student alliances. There is actually something like that at Wheaton but I don't think they're communists.
  47. It made foreign policy really stupid.
  48. Things like kite flying, singing, playing musical instruments- I'm not kidding- were illegal.
  49. The Shah- who was our ally and was a stink of a character if there ever was one....
  50. These are people who can't figure out plumbing and they're going to invade Western Europe?
  51. Wealth- or rather, lack of wealth, poverty- was equally distributed.
  52. There are questions to consider. I suggest you consider them. There are terms to know. I suggest you know them.
  53. So about two weeks before I had my oral exams that were going to determine whether I was going to stay in grad school or go get a job at the 7-11....
  54. I feel like all we've talked about in this class is war, and people dying, and another one hundred million people dying, and another million people dying.

• Jeff Timm, prof. of religion
  1. I asked him, 'How many Jeff Timm classes have you taken?' He said 'six or seven.' Six or seven! It's all smoke and mirrors. No one has so much wisdom that they can teach seven different classes.
  2. You can study with superstars! But I think that I can make it more weird and fun than... other classes. I won't say more weird and fun than David Wulff, cause I know how weird and fun his classes are.
  3. As humans, we valorise ourselves, not as the school of fish, but as the rugged individual fish.
  4. I want to give you this life lesson early on. Never argue with law enforcement. You will never win.
  5. I was picking on him all last hour. I told him he had a quiz and he'd better know the answer to the question I was asking about Hinduism. He didn't know the answer and he was upset that he failed the quiz. Talk about the wrong pedagogical approach.
  6. The American psyche has the idea of the rugged individual, the cowboy. We still have that idea. We elected a cowboy President.
  7. It's good... really good. Money is really good.
  8. 'And then in some extreme cases, then men would...' 'castrate?' 'castrate themselves, yeah. The idea is so repugnant to me that I can't even think of the word.'
  9. It's also traditional to put a penis by your doorway to keep out the negative energies. The negative energies come to your house and say 'Oh, wow, cool, a penis' and get diverted from coming in your house.
  10. They can't legislate against falling in love.
  11. If you're thinking about the stock market while you're having sex... there's a problem.
  12. You don't want to become Krishna, you want to hang out with Krishna. You don't want to become God, you want to be the companion of God. Becoming God is boring! It's the end of the game. You become God, then... silence.

• Marge Werner, prof. of education
  1. Procrastination is really important.
  2. It's perfectly fine to talk to yourself. Just don't answer yourself.
  3. So? Everybody goes to rehab now.

• Keeley Schell, prof. of Latin
  1. Basically anything that's about hacking, slashing, and killing will be coming in handy.
  2. So once you get some things under your belt, like ablative absolute and imagining that the verbs are there....
  3. Good job giving us forms of 'to be', cause apparently they were censored from the text.
  4. You have to be mean, cause it's Wednesday. You don't have to tell them that their mama's fat. Just tell them about the particular way in which they're ugly or stupid, then they'll know who's being called on.
  5. If you want to use English of the past sixty years, 'despoiled' might not be your choice.
  6. Killing Caesar is basically my favorite activity in Latin sentences.
  7. Your mother is so fat that when she sat on Caesar, she killed him.
  8. Your mother dined in such a way that she ate Caesar.
  9. This happened in Belgae, which is conveniently located in what is now Belgium.
  10. Look at your calendar and tell me when you want to tell us about the calendar.
  11. Two substantive clauses in a row! Very exciting, to find them in the wild.
  12. I'm gonna have to go back to Caesar, cause I just like killing Caesar.
  13. A young man who had an affair with Clodia... like everyone else.
  14. A normal person could put two sentences, very short and lame sentences, that a prose author would never write, together with a conjunction.
  15. I think Latin was cryogenically frozen.
  16. What is "neminem"? Other than not a rapper?
  17. Must be weird to have in-laws who were younger than you.
  18. Except everybody has weapons, which isn't that good.
  19. I go to Rome for the sake of killing Caesar. Why else would I go to Rome?
  20. I'm coming for the sake of this action called "Caesar-killing."
  21. "I don't understand why they did that." "Neither do I, that's why I'm not a Roman."
  22. If we were getting the opportunity to kill Caesar, we would be stabbing him vigorously.
  23. As we like to say, fit happens.
  24. If you want to make a new word that means "to perform Dance Dance Revolution," go ahead.
  25. I think this sentence wins for the most awesome in the fewest words.
  26. Writing is awesome. Scribere awesome est.
  27. I love killing Caesar! I buy weapons in order to kill Caesar. I buy weapons in order to kill women, because I am a horrible person.
  28. The Green Berets... how about we say "green slave caps"?
  29. This is Latin class; we're not allowed to be dignified.
  30. No, only the pimp smokes. Oh, speaking of pimps....
  31. Cause at this point, he's like "OMG, I'm so excited I got to hang out with Pompey!"
  32. The praetor Thermus, who was really good at keeping beverages hot....
  33. Hannibal belongs over here, because he is very, very, very dead and also not a Roman.
  34. Like Paul Revere, one if by land, two if secundum mare.
  35. The latter is more English, that one is more wacky Latin.
  36. He never says, "They are a bunch of teh losers. I am teh winner."
  37. Remiss... incompetent... full of fail....
  38. It's not funny. It's just wrong.
  39. The loser, lame, turncoat, traitor, stupidhead, Pompey....
  40. The double dative beats everyone into submission.
  41. Cellphonius interpellat.
  42. Not "not any" but "not none"... so, "some."
  43. And now we can return to our regularly scheduled civil war.
  44. Malo malo malo malo. I'd rather be in an apple tree than a wicked man in adversity.
  45. I'd like to make a dictionary with English slang and their Latin equivalents, like "tubular," "bodacious," "awesome."
  46. He's still a priest until they forcibly evict him from this life.
  47. They should have somebody named Manlius Virilis.
  48. Sometimes a participle is just a participle.
  49. Foreigners, with their foreign way of fighting.
  50. If Caesar comes up and wants to give you the answer, spit in his face.
  51. That's what classics is all about, trying to be friends with dead people.
  52. I always feel that it will be the end of the United States when we start electing boy band members as President.

• Joel Relihan, prof. of Latin

  Spring 2007

  1. Not every verb is fall. Latin has other verbs.
  2. We're talking about sex. He's not taking desire.
  3. Conditions are simple: well if that's true, I'm nuts.
  4. Hic, haec, hoc- you're not going to see these things without pointing.
  5. That's called iambic shortening. It sounds like something you'd make cookies with.
  6. Without emphasis, it just looks like word salad.
  7. Sometimes you're so excited, you can't be bothered to put endings on verbs.
  8. Resistance is not taking a direct object. It's copping an attitude.
  9. They obey as swift people!
  10. The vowels! Oh, the vowels!
  11. I would love to see a bunch of Roman soldiers with Brooklyn accents.
  12. Ware the snake, lest it serp through the bars and envenom us.
  13. 'Tell him that the familiars have come home.' 'I don't know how familiar you are.' English doesn't really have a good word for that. 'Tell him that the household has come home.' 'I don't know how householdy you are.'
  14. Rewriting is rethinking.
  15. This is very existential. You're not you. I am you.
  16. Mercury is the god of liars and literary critics. Liars, critics, and Norton Medical Associates.
  17. Beating for you!
  18. Those adverbs, there are so many of them, they're sprinkled on like salt on French fries.
  19. This is the most important grammatical rule that came down from Heaven: If the subject didn't change, it stayed the same.
  20. I don't give you these things just to hear myself talk. Although I do like to hear myself talk.
  21. Complementary is from plenus, filling up. Complimentary is waving hello and saying 'that's a nice hat.'
  22. Right now it looks a little amorphus. We need a little more morph.
  23. Tollito. It says lift it up, but it means acknowledge it as legitimate. Just remember your professor hugging his leather satchel. It's my baby.
  24. Gallows-bird! English doesn't have a good word for that. O thou who art worthy of being hanged in the gallows!
  25. Libet. It's a verb that means it is permitted to you to do whatever you damn well please.
  26. Tune. Yep, that's 'tu ne'. It's not the ablative of a word for fish.
  27. It's always good to know how your mind works so that you know what you need to work on. There are two big categories, what you can count on and what you need to work on.
  28. Present conditions are simple: If you think that, you're stupid. I don't know if you think that, but if you do, then the inevitable conclusion is that you're stupid.
  29. And Amphitryo's response is, of course, Nyaah, I don't think so.
  30. It means 'nowhere in the world' but it's just a way to say 'nope'.
  31. This was never designed to be hard. It was designed to be weird, but not to be hard.
  32. You know things about this play that people who are Latinless don't.
  33. I'll give you a cup upside the head!
  34. Popular literature is about three things: getting enough food, a bed to sleep in, and sex. Elevated literature is about honor, status, virtue. Popular literature doesn't concern itself with these things. Fairy tales are about 'Am I going to get enough to eat? Where am I going to sleep? Are animals going to bite me?' What about the sex thing? Sosia wants enough to eat and a place to sleep. If he gets that, he's in hog heaven. Provided that the hog doesn't bite him.
  35. You know this. The cold, miserable day dragged it out of your mind.
  36. Jupiter does not say 'in the morning.'
  37. 'Fore'. It's the future infinitive of sum. It's not what Romans called out on the golf course.
  38. 'I sane.'It's not as literal as 'get yourself a checkup and then go.'
  39. Not that 'darn tootin' ' is the language of the third millenium....
  40. Did I tell you the joke about the prep school who wanted its motto to be 'I hear, I see, I learn' and they thought that it would look better in Latin? When they saw that it was 'Audio video disco' they decided that it might not be the best idea.
  41. Alfred Hitchcock had a word for the object that they want in a story, no matter what it is- the Maguffin.
  42. Crying means to have the tears come out of your eyes. It takes time. Crying takes effort. To cry means to be in weep mode.
  43. I am prepared. I exist now as a prepared person. Means the same as I have prepared.
  44. We're all old enough to realize that nuance is where it's at.
  45. All Latinists are wool-gatherers.
  46. 'Quem faciam'- this is an exclamatory relative. You probably see those at Thanksgiving, exclamatory relatives.
  47. He used to be an author before he was a fascist.
  48. Where are things going badly? In my mind.
  49. My mind is absent. It's gone. It's AWOL.
  50. The language of insanity is always of interest.
  51. Tremor is what makes your knees knock together, it's tremendous. Horror is what makes your hair stand up on end, bristle. I am in the grip of horripiliation!
  52. One animal on each side and holding up a snake in each hand, that's pretty cool.
  53. There is no class of snake-killers.
  54. The book that is on the table is mine. The white book, the skinny book, the 'that is on the table' book, is mine.
  55. If you grew up hearing 'heavenly host', you might think that there's a big communion wafer in the sky.
  56. Drama doesn't take place in the house, because we can't stage it. It takes place in the street in front of the house.
  57. He's taken a superlative and made it more superlative.
  58. He's not people. And Jupiter isn't people either.
  59. He's saying 'Don't try this at home.'
  60. I want to grade you on your work, not on your lack of work.
  61. I'm not gonna mark you off on being eccentric.
  62. That's an aside to the audience, then he turns back to him. All that is built into the very useful 'eho!' Yo!
  63. This doesn't imply that there should be more Amphitryo.

      Spring 2008

  64. We won't say nuggets, that's going to McDonald's or panning for gold. Trifles. That's a better food image, that's dessert.
  65. This must be Latin, it doesn't make any sense.
  66. Miserable me. No one talks like that. Well, maybe they do. Poor, poor me. Poor, poor, pitiful me. Then you break into a country song.
  67. It's okay. You can have a little trouble with it if you want.
  68. You rarely see the plural of 'unus', as 'one' is basically a singular concept.
  69. It's not hard grammar. It's hard to see what it looks like. Word salad.
  70. When I was your age, I was told by a wise man that the Romans were a group of neurotic peasants who would run to the subjunctive at the drop of a hat.
  71. It's not 'soft pigeon', it's 'gentle dove'.
  72. But they don't print the last two lines as one long line. There's one very practical reason that they don't do that. It's called the width of your page.
  73. I call it a quiz... that's my sense of humor. It's five pages long.
  74. Latin is not for the squeamish.
  75. When forced to be specific, it's a mulberry bush, as in 'here we go round the'.
  76. Not without a vain fear of the breezes and the treeses.
  77. Okay, we don't need to make this a psychological inquiry, could you just fix it?
  78. When I was in high school, I used to steal the door stops. I had a collection of about eight little rubber door stops. I don't know why. It just puts the petty in petty theft.
  79. Famous doesn't necessarily mean good.
  80. You don't make lots of noise at 4:30 on a Tuesday morning unless you're losing your grip on the world.

      Spring 2009

  81. (Counts students and himself- 13) Before the end of the semester, one of you will betray me....
  82. The goal is to breathe down your neck a little bit.
  83. I hope no one here is allergic to Blackboard.
  84. "Why did you want to go to Wheaton?" "Oh, it's a small place where all the professors have their doors open." But once you're here, you never go in!
  85. Into the divine shores of light. Odd phrase, but kinda catchy.
  86. I'm sitting on Venus's lap.
  87. Perpetuity is an endless succession of movements. Tick. Tick. Tick. Eternity is timelessness.
  88. I can be stupid... and of course I know that you can be stupid.
  89. Poets, when they start out, tend to be at their most elegant. He'll calm down later.
  90. You who, like the cola.
  91. It looks like the accusative of panda.
  92. He's telling Memmius his vocabulary list.
  93. Romans wrote for Romans. They didn't write for American students at the beginning of the third millennium. They didn't know you were coming. They didn't bake a cake.
  94. That, my students, is Latin. I'm sorry.
  95. This is great. We get a gerund, we get a supine. All the parts of Latin you paid for are here.
  96. Don't take it as a given that because we're reading it in class that it must be good.
  97. If you're talking Latin colloquially with your friends and you want to say "no way," it's "nullo rationo" or "nullo modo."
  98. When you don't quite know what to do with a word, put it in the ablative.
  99. Think Legos. One stands on top of another until another force- your little brother- comes along to take them apart.
  100. I still don't have a syllabus, but I have an inspiration!
  101. If you've heard this before, I don't apologize.
  102. I'm not going to tell them that the complex is reiterated in the simplex. I'll tell you... it's strictly on a need-to-know basis.
  103. Don't learn anything without me!
  104. I think at that point, you're just playing games.
  105. They're not literally standing between, like a lineup. "Which animal was it?"
  106. Just because they end with the letter i doesn't mean that they agree!
  107. Entertainment! Gwyneth Paltrow takes over the world! Ten minute break while I read about Gwyneth Paltrow.
  108. I would never have you read Bailey's translation; you'd tear your hair out in frustration.
  109. He is not so allergic to repetition as Virgil is.
  110. When these vowels die, they die like men.
  111. I taught you everything that you know, but not everything that I know.
  112. Those of you who are accustomed to reading about Romans killing non-Romans, or Romans killing Romans, aren't used to reading about milkweed pods.
  113. Reading too much Lucretius kind of drives you nuts.
  114. It's so unusual to have a poem about love and death that goes "Love, eh. Death, eh."
  115. Oh, he talks about the atmosphere. But it's about evil.
  116. And having been divided, it is divided, and lives in divided parts on the ground.
  117. You don't have to believe either one of these guys, it's just a case of "is not!" "is so!" "is not!"
  118. How do we go from a human anima to a million little wormy animas?
  119. If I were to open this lid, I would be perfunda-ing the table. The professor profunds the table with Aqua-Fina.
  120. He apologizes for that dopey metaphor by saying "quasi."
  121. There's a bit of word salad there.
  122. These prepositions- I know there's a temptation to treat them as kind of white noise.
  123. I've only got four lines here, but do them!
  124. He's genuinely trying- though maybe not successfully- to get people to lighten up.
  125. If life is a banquet, well, there's dessert, but you have to acknowledge that at some point, it's over.
  126. The symmetries involved in this class are stunning.
  127. The bees' carrying of food home, if I can say "beeses."
  128. Oleo, olere. Does not mean "to be buttery."
  129. They do these things in contests. "No, let me daub that!" "No, let me daub that!"
  130. There are actually reasons to do it- it's not just "I've got bees, I'm gonna start burning crabs."
  131. Ablative is your workhorse case.
  132. Good. Now make it make sense.
  133. Nare. Which does not mean "by means of a nostril."
  134. It sounds like a noun. Contemplator. This sounds like a job for the Contemplator! Talking about Socrates.
  135. " That's a scary way to put it." "I like scary."
  136. I've become everything I've ever hated!
  137. How can you learn from your mistakes if you don't have me to rub your face in them in a timely manner?
  138. Etiamnum is kind of a long noise.
  139. You're not going to make much money as a farmer squeezing the honey back into the comb.
  140. It's either famous or incomprehensible.
  141. I'm betting that bees do not have anything made out of leather.
  142. That doesn't explain how they get the lightning bolts back up to Zeus. They probably FedEx them.
  143. In no other way. And if it's not in another way, it must be in the same way.
  144. These Attic bees... which does not mean bees in your attic.
  145. Ablative absolute is a wonderful thing, it can mean all sorts of things. I empower you to translate it however you want.
  146. If you're going to translate Latin, you have to be light on your feet around participles.
  147. Try that again, with a little more confidence.
  148. Romans are not nice people.
  149. She's a sea nymph. And where does he stand to meet her? He didn't meet her at Starbucks.
  150. Don't look at me when you say "horrid boar."
  151. Here's the hollow, here are the waves going in, here are the ripples coming back. I was never hired to be a scientific illustrator.
  152. Now that's a funny phrase, "to find a fuga."
  153. I always weight things toward success. I don't need to hold your learning process against you if you achieve the level that I want. I give you all sorts of opportunities to be perfect.
  154. I'll be setting the final up tomorrow, if any of you want to send bribes, flowers, food.
  155. Not seizing, that sounds like she has epilepsy.
  156. We, being about to die, say hi.
  157. Maybe it is, in the world of beekeeping, the thing to say. But you if you translate it literally, it's ridiculous.

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