Here. This is good. Have a bonus.
I elbow you in your Adam's Fruit.
I kicked him in his tail.
I got a shank boofed up in my tape!
Through the miracles of modern science, I can become a woman, but I cannot become two people.
They didn't like Charmin is what I'm trying to tell you.
Maybe I could just grunt meaningfully.
Would you put your beans away?
She's got His Holy Eminence Barbie.
Let's play Simonus Inquit!
I hope you're all ready to be started upon.
We're not going to have to make up too many words.
I was able to sprint to the finish thanks to my extra breaths in Latin.
They're homophones. Oh! I don't want to sit near them!
With whom are you speaking? Are you speaking with me?
No, I'm sorry, I'm completely lost, and I think you need medication.
Yeah, I'm already down the block and I'll be conquering the rest of town after lunch. We've conquered the Joneses! We have their front yard and we're going to launch a frontal assault on their garage!
Oh, that guy said something. I'll chop his head off.
I think they basically wanted to show you that Romans weren't smelly.
I touch my nose by means of the right hand.
Who lives in Tisofthee, anyway?
Poot is god.
Well he could've sat armed with a cell phone.
Ah, there're voices over there! Phoo! Phoo!
And I'm sure scared!
You have a porcelain cantaloupe!
You go make a fire. After all, I just invented speech.
When we see "O," we know it's "I."
They should only be allowed to tattoo you once you're dead. They could put advertisements on you.
I'm the secretary of peeing people.
It wasn't like writing Latin was the Roman equivalent of hiding Easter eggs.
"You can't have everything." "Where would you put it?"
"Life's a bitch." "Why aren't you dead?"
You touched the thing with a needle!
The ghost is willing, but the meat is too soft.
Would you like una Hoha-Hola?
Let's go look at the dirt over at my house!
We are not frogs.
The frogs love in the woods.
Corporal punishment: when dey beet up yoir boddy.
I inflict the pain of red ink!
I've got a valuable noun collection in my basement.
Yo slave is tinie!
Latin! L-A-T-T-I-N! Yeah, Ah pass'd it!
Can I close your "O"?
I speak Spainlander! I speak Italish!
I have something to live for! I have to pee! Give me a urinal or give me death!
It's slightly less powerful in the story if all these evil things are going around saying "2+2=5."
We're giving you? Are we giving you into human bondage?
We be girlin'!
Crush the evil gadfly!
Fie on you!
Oooo! You are entering the dimension of light, of sound, of Latin.
I prayed five times last night so I'm ready for this test!
He doesn't know "distributor cap"? He must be a foreigner.
It's not like they take away your citizenship card. "Go away! You can't speak English anymore!"
Hi! We're the brainless slugs of Waterford High!
How come every time I open my book, it opens to the sentence that says "Human life is punishment"?
My feet are jealous.
We're having a Sunt party! Everybody show up and exist! "Dude, I so was at your party!"
You did no good! You clothed no poor naked people! You housed no homeless people! You have done no good!
Quick, Anna of the Forest! Take this path and kill the Romans!
Even though he's a god, he can still have his head bashed in. He won't die, but it kind of hurts to have your head bashed in.
I think you need to be squished. That would be helpful.
Gun-wavin' New Haven!
Make a bumper sticker- it might catch on.
Don't do your translation with a ouji board!
I'm not here to entertain you!
'Can Jimmy come out and play?' 'No, he's not well today. He's upstairs tacking himself to the ceiling.'
By means of the plow! I hold up my fine cabbages and then I kill you!
Phew! At least we don't speak Greek!
Your language sucks!
Love, organ, and delight.
Oh, you mean we can't put dead skunks in the compost heap?
Look- I'm making a stern face!
Smiling mighty Jesus!
I led the pigeons to the flag....
At least you have properly sized your underwear!
How do you refill your cornucopia? By means of food?
Send me a skunk-o-gram!
I've become a goofy quote whore!
Oh no! I've become a goofy quote slut!
Here! Would you like some letters? I've arranged them into words for you!
There are many people whom I like, but none whom I like enough to spend any time on a bus with.
I don't know what her bus preferences are!
Go sit down. And take your tibia with you!
I feel like a retarded butcher.
I have to leave at 1:00... have you come to fill in? You'll need some sort of assault weapon.
He's black. I'm stupid. You're gay. Woohoo!
I can understand "tolerate diversity" but not "celebrate diversity."
I'll probably get it when they make a Hallmark card for it. 'I just found out you're black....'
I have a spacious crock pot for an office.
It's not like if you have an incestuous relationship, your kid will have three eyes and a webbed liver.
What is mythology? It's religion that some other guy believes in.
If I'm having a party, God's not coming!
I am the Tormentor!
Wait a second. If I'm a farmer, you're saying, I'm supposed to kill this guy?
For a short period of time, everything about you is amazing. Then you turn into inept dorks.
I created these things so they could worship me!
You were young and happy... until Uncle Prometheus came over and gave you fire!
This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy got three to five for car theft- it's her bad toe!
Tear your hair out quietly.
Ho, mini bus!
Tell us your virgin name!
That's gotta be Caesar 'cause he's there. It had to be him, Officer. He's in the sentence.
I will trade you a camel for your chips!
Serve your money!
I want the proofreading to be done by someone whom I can stand up in front of the class and humiliate!
So moot I never thee!
Yo, das dope!
"How many times has a roving vagabond stopped to pile a bunch of rocks up in your name?" "Twice."
The only way to know is by knowing.
Oops! I forgot my r.
When you look up at me, you should think of it! Laus!
He's shaking in fear. He's Oriental, so he keeps it inside. Show us your fear, Andrew!
I like to feel good in school!
Let's go back to the non-drooling portion of the room!
To err is human. To persevere is diabolical.
"Of!" "Genitive!" "Of!" "Genitive!"
Wait. You just walk across a room and bump into stuff? You poor person.
I was hoping to reduce your fantasy workload.
Where would we be if we couldn't feel good about who we are?
I have the kind of A+ where I can make fun of your A+.
I've been up for three hours and I haven't made a new word yet. I just don't feel Greek anymore.
"Her navel was full of honey." It wasn't navel. It happened to be some other part of a woman's body that would actually hold some honey.
Jeremy, come into the living room and screw your aunt.
Why, Mr. Jenkins, I do believe you're making love to me.
Imbicile: you're a rod!
You will be required to know the future for your exam.
Repetitive liver removal- I'm sure there's a medical term, but I don't know it.
And out of Pandora's box came evils! Disease! Death! Polka music!
"Modern" (finger quotes) religions.
Staple a $20 under your essay.
If you have any questions, just raise your hand and I'll deride you for having asked them.
Sailors are not feminine. Do not believe the Village People.
Tell me what you know, Dan, about pupas.
That's why Latin went out of business.
Friends give friends money!
The "il" and a healthy dose of wine led to the "el" of Spanish.
[Mrs. Hamel's] room was created to store your doorstops! The architect was sitting there, "well, here's a space, let's stick this weird-shaped room in it!"
Please come and practice your sitting-down skills.
Would everyone please sit down, including those of us who are Theo.
I was very pleased with your spelling of fruit.
"What's the matter?" "Could you zip your pants up?" "Oh sure!"
Take some ingredients and put them in the oven for half an hour.
It's Dr. Zeuss! Would you, could you, eat some liver? Would you, could you....
Who is the highest authority of wordness? I climbed Mount Olympus and talked to the Word God! I talked to Dr. Zeuss!
Last week, teachers were neuter. This week, once they're past their teen years, they're not supple. At least I can still bend over to pick up my own pain medication!
Zeus put on funny glasses and a moustache and was God.
Come in, I would like to meet you, and hold your wallet.
If it's longer than it is wide, it's a phallic symbol.
Man the mollusk!
Throw some more flowers on the grave; someone bought my book.
Latin, and how to make it suck for you.
Who's the next person to take a step up to the Latin dartboard?
I did not see the hand of the Almighty, but I will thank God.
What if you lived in France all your life, and you were a vegetarian? Does the mad cow disease rub off on your broccoli?
"What did you do in school today, honey?" "Oh, I watched my teacher come down with mad cow disease."
It's like Latin martial arts- palmam do.
Where's Grace's homework? She left it on her desk and it burned in the fire we almost had. It was a very concentrated fire- the firemen were able to keep it confined to Grace Crowley's desk. They had to take her homework because of its potential combustibility.
It is my general policy to check homework only when you don't have it.
"You're a little blob." "A little blob?" "Okay, a reasonably-sized blob."
This was a stupid language spoken by stupid people who needed a much better life. I don't think they had enough board games.
It felt like Gollum does Plautus.
I'll have to go to the bar to drown my sorrows. Except I don't drink, so I'll have to... eat stale peanuts.
The modern version of Latin is "I'm tookin' it because it's so close to my Special Ed classroom."
Latin music is Ricky Martin.
I hate to tell you this, but all of your teachers are Satan worshippers.
We were all chortling....
Black folk's jumping tips for white people.
They're telling me that no straight guy knows how to dress. It's because gay men have no kids. If I didn't have to pay for my kids' stuff, I could buy nice clothes too.
Try going to a restaurant and ordering a kaiser salad.
He didn't need any consilium. He already had some.
Gotta go home and whip the slave!
As a teacher, I am the all-being master of time, space, and dimensions.
Their noisy prayers and their odorus food!
I can't start in the face of that face. It's so skeptical and I couldn't live through it.
It would be best if everyone could leave with some knowledge of Latin, a positive attitude, and not wanting to blow up my car.
From one week to the next, suddenly McDonald's is for black people. I want to know if I can go inside. I'll have to sneak in the back.
There was this ring of lesbian mean people.
I'm largely dissatisfied with my characterization as "remote-happy."
Due to their great wood shortage, the Romans heated their home with pony.
Apparently, back before they had nightlights, they used to use incest.
And they were all wrong.
Just write like a troll, like I do!
It's like a board game. It's not a language, it's a board game!
Ah, the learning process, in all of its exciting glory.
That would make men viruses. Women are from Venus, men are from the bio-lab.
It was an awesome display of the Galvinic process.
Do something useful with your 30 seconds.
A copy of Plautus, $8.50. Not pissing off your wife, priceless.
It worked in England, where they could listen to Shakespeare without breaking into hives. In America, we decided to forego teaching Shakespeare in favor of teaching about hate. It was "Julius Caesar vs. support your local black gay guy."
Sit up, you frighteningly linear person.
Viagra non est!
Mark me down as "highly skeptical."
What? He kidnapped Philocomasium? Is he a gay man? Oh, no, Philocomasium is a girl.
This should be ELL. Entertainment for Latin Lovers.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I was buffet-ed about. They put me right next to the cocktail shrimp!
"Do we come to school because we learn something?" "No, but here you're prisoners."
Normally when I feel like this, I run down to the gym. But I haven't had time today, so... Tim, can I punch you?
That's what Latin is. It's messing with people.
It's okay not to know. But you should've been able to guess better.
These are the future criminals of our society.
I wouldn't trust Andrew with a dead cat!
Your students will become tense-blind!
I think, to women, "male enhancement" would be actually listening to what the other person says.
I am, in my totally unfair way, being fair.
I will remain skeptical from a distance.
I sold my soul to the Devil for three minutes of silence.
"Does English have a word for 'sleeping pills'?" "Yes... 'sleeping pills.' "
Don't shake that bottle! Those are sleeping pills!
I've been corrected. And I'm standing. Good.
Grace is now the nt specialist!
They discovered America before the comma. Well, they were much smaller.
What do you say when you walk into a store and the guy says, " 'Kepyu?" I said, " 'Slookin'." I couldn't tell what the guy said next, but it sounded like "F'yu."
...as if you were a Latin student who understood some Latin.
Hopefully, if you get nothing else out of Latin, you'll learn to be analytical and methodical.
Translate things as booty when they are booty.
I'm going to move over to the other group of sufferers.
When I look over and say "You're noisy and I hate you," pull out this crossword puzzle.
You are a scoreless and stupid person.
Psst! Hey buddy, want your verb conjugated?
It's a computer. It basically does what I ask it to, which is usually sit there and ridicule me and not do what I want it to.
He looks like a large, overweight, gay Scotsman.
You cheat, I lie.
I want you to start putting down these forms as if you know what you're doing.
Dan, you're so good when you're awake! Yay for Dan being awake and having the right answer!
They poisoned each other at a fantastic rate!
You guys are just contrary, evil people!
That's four Italian ladies, and that's a lot.
I've known you guys for months now. My goals are suitably low.
I think that in these days, teachers shouldn't be tenured; they should be deified after four years.
I'm in the Crayola box!
Oh, you don't want to live in Mr.-Foster-Land.
Jesus said I should kill her, but God says I shouldn't. Now he's angry with me!
I'm being appreciated! And like I always say, say it in snacks!
I think you guys will enjoy this almost as much as a dose of the plague.
At least you're selectively there.
What it looked like was two midgets wrestling in a sleeping bag. But I think it was just really tight pants.
Just ignore all kinds of Alex-based tips.
"What does this mean?" "It means they've run out of things to say with the words we know."
Smells like a heretic!
My alter-ego, Student-Self!
Their mustard will attack you everywhere!
I will stick this plate to the wall using the adhesive power of hummus!
There's no point in being American.
Lucky for me, I can start sucking when I'm 14!
Suburbs, yo! Holler... Let me get a hat that is too big for my head.
Let's pretend that I was a warm and caring person....
Let's all slump over on our desks and breathe shallowly and try to induce a coma.
I played Risk when I was a kid, but it wasn't job training.
I want to learn to be menacing and smiling. That's my future goal.
"The man shoots the wife." "Shoots the wife? That's cruel. Poison should be used."
All you guys have to do is first learn English, then quickly learn Latin.
Hi, I am a closet grammar ignorer.
For a guy who has 95 grandchildren, why'd he choose the twitching one?
Go to your room and come out when you're dead!
He is chanting his mantra: "Present tense verb endings. Present tense verb endings." Have you achieved inner calm?
For bonus points, you can decline the bad farmer!
Dans l'année suivante
I am going to be mean until I can get two of you to drop.
I won't speak much English to you. Even my French 1 classes, I don't talk to them.... Yeah, I just sit around and get paid.
You cannot learn anything when you speak English.
Could you say that again, so we could all laugh at you?
When I was six, I was bitten by a French teacher....
Uh, could we fix that? Cause it's been stupid for a long time.
I was just making you feel good that you can't speak English well, so relax about your French. It could come out however.
"What'd you do in class today?" "We took attendance. It's a class of 40 thousand."
Sounds like something they do in Appalachia. "We're goin' to the cinny-ma! Brush your tooth, honey, we's a-goin' to the cinny-ma!"
Demande s'il est hystérique. (Stop it James! You're being hysterical!)
They tried to make a name that would be as charming to the French as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" is to the Americans. So they came up with "Just as Good Cooked as Plain."
It's always best to leave your brain out of communication.
Physics calculations! Soon to be an Olympic sport. Let's get the action shot! They're passing the chalk!
Here's the 30 second explanation of the Celsius system: 0, wear a coat, 10, wear a sweater, 20, wear a shirt, 30, wish you could take it off, 40, hide somewhere with air conditioning.
Je suis un chien, et je dis "ouaf!"
"Kind of" means "no, but I'm still smart."
That's the problem with speaking French all the time in class. It's melodic. If you're tired, it'll put you to sleep! Je parle français. Vous êtes fatigués. Vous endormez.
French grammar is like a board game. (It's not a language, it's a board game!)
Yes, I'm here to teach you French, but sometime I have to let you in on the truth. It's helpful for you if I like you. You don't have to like me. You just have to pretend.
It's okay to be ignorant. It's just not okay to stay that way.
It's like if someone stabs you with a really artistic knife. "Ah! What workmanship!"
It's intellectual theft. It's worse than plagiarism! Copy someone else's work and you get thrown out of school. Steal "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and you make 13 trillion dollars.
"Je pense!" "Youpi pour toi!"
I'm such a fascist. Regardez-moi toujours!
I will never take late work from you. Not because I'm mean. I'm mean, but this is for a different reason.
It's not about mistakes. It's about expressing yourself.
I hate boot verbs. It makes you think about your feet.
What it means and what it means are different. I wish I hadn't said that.
Let me try to say this nicely. Nah, it'll take too long. You're lazy.
This is just one of those days. Or possibly two of them. I'm not sure.
I'd love to be in a class where everyone gets an A. But I will give you an F. I don't care!
If you see the word "plagiat", what do you think it means? Plagiarism! It's illegal there too.
It doesn't work if you copy the sentences. Especially if you copy them out of order. Then it's plagiarism and bad!
Americans can only understand things if they're sports. So I'll give you a sports metaphor.
Je suis content de mon travail. Tu es mon ami. Il est gentil, mon prof.
I am probably more like Monk than anyone you know. I've spent the last 20 years studying and teaching French. I'm kinda obsessive about it.
Bless you! Bless you! Screw you!
I picked up my dictionary, and I broke into hives!
I paid for that "s" and I'm saying it, dammit!
I woke up at 2 am with my head on a pile of homework. So if someone gets a homework with a head print, it's mine.
My life is full of vexations.
I'm a member of the Grammar Club... don't hit me.
Attention optionnelle pendant la classe.
I don't know who you people are. I just know where your chairs are. You have to bring your chair around in the halls for me to say hi to you.
Les langues sont toujours bizarres.
When strange people with funny-smelling food on the stove answer the door....
Well, if David Bowie said it, it must be true.
Il ne faut pas pousser grand-mère dans les orties.
Someone get me a mirror. Apparently I look like someone who knows what a collection envelope is.
Je suis fameux pour mes digressions.
Pour faire une bonne digestion, je corrige les papiers de français.
...It reinforces the idea that people in other countries say stupid things.
Here's the problem with guessing in French. You might be looking dumb.
Instead of angels dancing on the head of a pin, c'est enculer les mouches.
C'est le sexe qui tourne le monde.
How many people will stand up in front of a crowd and say, "Yeah, I have no idea what the hell you're saying. Yeah, I could be stupid. Would you answer my question?"
The art of bullshitting. C'est important aussi en français.
You know what they say: be careful what you wish for, cause it might show up and stink like hell.
I don't care if you guys know math. Math isn't important. All you need to know is French.
Je vais vous humilier!
Le français! En classe de français! Quel choque!
If you stop at that stage where your French is like a mule going up a ladder, it's gonna stay that way.
Je suis né en '60.
Il faut toujours rire un peu et il faut danser un peu.
Tell me with your hand, not your eyebrows.
The Ignorance Dance! Oh, I'm an idiot! Can any of you do physics? I can't. I'm ignorant! Any of you taking AP Biology? I'm ignorant! Can any of you play an instrument? I can't! I'll play guitar for you someday, then you'll understand. Can any of you run better than a six-minute mile? Well, seven minutes now, I suck.
Un bon prof: Ne rien faire. Tout faire faire. Ne rien laisser faire.
In French, you can't kick. You give a hit of foot. And you can't glance. You give a hit of eye. "He threw a hit of eye at my paper!"
I love ratting out my students to their parents. There is no better feeling.
I kept getting nagged by the Eternal Paperwork Nagger.
Oh! You're guilty of the dreaded false head-nod!
Now protect yourselves from the evil ray gun of my question! Ha! My shield is up!
That's why you should learn to speak French well. It's the language of goofy word games.
Sometimes you sit in front of people and you realize that your I.Q. is ten.
You all look like bright, motivated people....
You can have no passe-t-elle in your answer. Well, I suppose you could, if you wrote in a nice light pink.
Every time I worked with sneeze-saying things-people....
The way I get it, Trouillard was a female impersonator who wanted to marry his horse, and Du Desclin moved in with the Scarabée Noir and they were trying to have kids... I don't get it.
Why is he yelling "thin"?
Someone dies in your house, you'd move them. I put you in a coffin, or I throw you behind a bush.
I should give you all a supply of 5000 que's. If you don't use them all by the end of the year, you flunk! If any of you need any que's, stop by after class. I'll copy some off for you.
I don't send you mp3 files because I have no social life. Well, that too....
When you go on parole, you give your word. "I swear I'll never do it again... until no one's looking."
Je reste comme idiot.
Vowels are when air comes out of you. Consonants are when you stop it.
They didn't just invent it so French teachers would have something to do on Tuesdays.
J'ai le droit de vous taquiner. It's in my contract. I insisted.
Vous êtes allergique aux questions.
You could have just been reciting ancient Babylonian. I didn't hear anything.
You have to say a word 73 times before you remember it.
I will not lead you down these horrible paths of grammar... whatevers.
Now it has been relegated to the list of things that are too painful to continue going over.
You put the only in front of the thing you're restricting.
Si tu dit "danse", tu danses.
Poke out my eyes! I saw an ablative!
Many people with happy lives and good jobs and families that love them don't understand grammar.
Yeah, that's my countin' hand.
Dura mater. That's one tough mother.
It just cracks me up that old Catholic guys sat around hitting their chests and saying "my bad."
Tout le temps, j'aime donner les réponses stupides.
Je voulais tirer mes yeux de ma tête!
Je suis le roi de perdre les choses.
There is Ché. There is a plant. There is Ché next to my plant.
Subjunctive? Did you see a doctor?
"She got more points than I did!" "That's cause she's a better human being."
Oh! Someone found a bitch in the hall!
Some people need to work on their cheating skills.
I figured, I've got students who say "Yeah, I did good on the test." So I figure I can accept "je suis descendu l'escalier."
You can't say "by means of" or you sound like some weird ex-Latin student who can't let it go. But it's okay, they have therapy for that now.
You sit around saying, "How do you say how to spell something?" I say, "Read the damn sheet I gave you!"
Stupid things that French people say. "Saint-Cloud. Saint-Cloud, Paris-Match." Like we say "mercy buckets." It's like if you know German. It's "All feet are the same."
They didn't just say, "Look at the letters left over from Scrabble. Let's make a word!"
It's her alibi! "I wasn't paying attention! Je ne suis pas!"
Les parents sont des fascistes!
I look at you there with your gloved hand and bludgeoning weapon... and I have to say... would you take your hat off?
You guys keep introducing clauses with no "que." That's illegal in French. It'll get you pulled over and a $50 fine.
Bugs Bunny is not saying "What of nine?"
"Papa, pourquoi le camion ne marche pas?" "C'est justice divine!"
Mille Bornes est un jeu stupide!
Un peu d'aide. I'm a little dead.
"Tu veux un ordure?" Try it at your next party. "I made them myself. They were behind the garbage."
J'aime bien les bébés magiques!
Je déteste les élèves confortables!
Les héros, les zéros. If you connected the words, there'd be no difference between zeros and heroes.
Not being a big voodoo guy, I can't tell you.
I'm always right. It's comforting.
Why? It's so you can get stuff wrong on your test. That's why the French did it.
I was young and healthy when class started. Now I'm old and all dried up.
They had wespes back then!
Pour Halloween, je me déguise en Évangeline. Non, je serai Spider-Man. Oh! My Spidey-sense is tingling! I hate it when that happens in class.
Do you always not do that?
Oh! The saying of "whom" has happened in your presence!
She's afraid of the dork!
It's wired on our linguage too!
This would be the mean person's textbook, where you have to turn to the next chapter to find the answer.
Je suis un peu sadique.
Oh my God! My mother is such a doofus!
I didn't hardly never hear that!
Si je parle trop vite, vous levez la main et dites, "Professeur, vous parlez trop vite," et je dis, "Écoutez plus vite."
The "que" that your parents should buy you about fifty thousand of for Christmas so I can stop correcting your papers....
I bumped my head on the doorway and I forgot the subjunctive! I have French grammar amnesia! So you can get around it. Of course, that won't work on the test, cause I'm evil and want to see that you know it.
Hafta. H-A-F-T-A. It's in the dictionary.
Actually, it's "is it possible that the flight be cancelled?" Stay tuned for the answer to this and other important questions.
It's not you that's a big dummy. There's a good chance it's me.
No nouS would be good news.
Vous êtes très très bien pour une classe de Buddhists. And you're humming your mantra very silently.
Les élèves sont toujours difficiles. Et le prof aussi.
I'm having Latin daydreams. I'm just so happy to be out!
In French they say "the exception confirms the rule." It's cause they're sinister people.
For you final-S pronouncers, I'll explain it this way: it's like pronouncing the "g" in "enug" and "throug." And if you do, it's "toug" for you.
Wait, I'll act it out. Look, I'm being happy!
Some of you pronounce French like it's mutant Urdu.
Si vous êtes stupides, vous manquez d'intelligence.
Tu es malade ou tu es fatigué? Malade, je suis désolé. Fatigué, tant pis.
Unless you're playing chess, never pronounce a final T.
Je vais être méchant.
The problem with language teachers is generally they're good at languages. They're people who like large collections of words to stuff inside their heads and think you'll know the words too cause you're also a geeky language teacher who didn't get invited to any parties.
Pang! You almost want to feel bad about something. Pang! No, I guess you can have a pang of joy. Yeah, let's have a pang of joy. I'll pencil it in for two o'clock.
It's my great fear to write words on the board with the wrong gender. Do you ever get the feeling that some words just look feminine? They're gay!
When I write vertical, all the letters come out wrong. Horizontale, je suis génius. Verticale, je suis moron.
Si tu penses à Jennifer Anisten, c'est un rêve. Si tu penses à Miguel, c'est un cauchemar.
Il est un prisonnier dans la classe de français. Rien n'a changé.
Je fais pareil par paresse.
Non, c'est pas "vieur." C'est le français de Boston.
"Petit Prince." "Petite Prince" also means he's doing hormone treatments.
Hey, you know what, I got a little bit, like they're speaking French and I don't understand what the hell they're saying....
"I was the prettiest of flowers in your garden." Sounds weird to stand here and say that.
All things are relative. And all relatives are things. And my relatives have all my things.
Italians don't have the "h" cause they don't say it. With French, they're obsessed with tradition. "That 'h' was there when my grandpappy said it!"
"The work is its own reward." You better hope it's true!
This is a part of French grammar where you need the whiteboard. You need your coach up there diagramming it. "Okay, so the direct object is going to go in back, and the indirect object is going to sneak around behind the verb...."
They have this list of exceptions, but their exceptions have their own exceptions.
I'm just explaining it; I'm not expecting you to... well, actually I'm just hoping you won't throw things at my head.
Thank God we don't have vigils anymore.
Hey Mom! It's a dancing soul!
"Oh, that's...." "That's cause for therapy."
How many of you go home despondent because flowers die?
Je sais que c'est difficile. Mais tant pis.
Life does not have to be in English to understand.
You don't actually have to be holding anything when you say "tiens." Like when you say "shoot," most people don't.
J'aime être méchant. C'est ma chose favorite.
Il y a deux types de pet importants.
After the French Revolution, they wanted to get rid of everything. They got rid of the king, they completely changed the calendar. They renamed all the months. They had a month called "Foggy," and one called "Windy," and "Sunny." It was like the '60's, but 200 years earlier.
Even for God, alternate interior angles are congruent.
Knowing what you're saying is always an advantage on a test.
Why did I do that? Cause I enjoy watching people rack their brains and suffer.
"Oh, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." Well, you came to it. And you didn't cross.
You all seem like totally intelligent, well-thinking people....
"Je prends le train." You feel French now? In America, we say, "I'm takin' my SUV." But in France they say "Je prends le train."
France: a nation of mouth-breathers.
Can't sleep well unless I've had a couple of ablatives of interest.
There was something sinister that the word I looked up often was "often." "Why don't I ever use that word? I guess I don't do anything often. Except this. I look up this- ah! There it is again!"
Stop shittifying poor Matt.
We never really grow past 3 or 4 years old. Farts and shits are always funny.
She's not coming? Good... I mean, no... good.
Je parle le Cherokee. Elle n'y est pas née. Uh.
Hi, Matt. Is it that you are hungry? I am having a sandwich for you.
The French language is normal. The French don't brush themselves the teeth, and they don't say "is it that."
Stop acting like it's ancient Greek.
Oui. If you say it slowly, it's ou-i. Will you ever hear someone say it like that? Well, maybe if you put someone in the refrigerator, and after a while let them out, and ask "Are you glad I let you out?" Then you'll hear "Ou...i."
And someone who is easily duped is a... dupe.
Tu as confiance en toutes femmes qui sont ta grand-mère.
Qui est-ce que je veux torturer?
I am not the thought police.
I have to tell whether or not you understand or not by the way your hair moves.
And we have the verb "recount." It doesn't always mean the votes in Florida.
It's kind of like something that you do at cocktail parties where nothing's really happening. "Oh, I talked to someone the other day who used the imperfect subjunctive." "Oh, did you? How interesting."
If you're at that same cocktail party and you're done talking about the guy who used the imperfect subjunctive, you can talk about people who don't know how to use adjectives with "gens."
"Wait up!" "Sorry, I can't levitate today."
"Gare à toi!" What's it mean? "Train station for you!" No, to the French it means "watch out!" That's a French kid doing his English homework. "Train station for you!"
Brenda! Non, pas Brenda, j'ai détruit la vie déjà aujourd'hui.
It's okay to make mistakes. It's not okay to make the same ones until you die!
Doesn't that sound good in your mouth? It's French!
That's part of the cultural rift between the older generations, sadly of which I am part, and the younger generation, who was half raised by TV.
I probably won't tell you you did it. I'll just go on quietly disliking you the rest of the year.
Vim. No one says it by itself. Someone can't be full of vim unless they're also full of vigor. Try saying it sometime. You'll probably get locked away.
I know that there's no end of questions you won't ask unless you're threatened.
I've never seen anyone sleep at that angle.
Ou est-ce que vous ne... um... know... pas que "faire l'accord"... uh, means?
Blah, blah, black sheep, whatever, I'll sing what I want.
There you go. If anyone ever offers you anything in France, it's free.
'You makin' fun of me?" "No, I'm making fun of your panier." "Yo, I got a gun up in my panier." That's why gangsters don't ride bikes.
Really, it's not the dancing, it's the emotional scarring we're interested in.
I wish we could afford a better verb, but we could only get this imperfect one.
That is a thoroughly completed cow turd.
I felt like this total moronic bug.
Guess, but this time guess something different.
He was little. How little? Totally little.
"Look, it's Mr. Famous-in-the-paper-two-consecutive-days." "We like to say, 'two consecutive days in a row.' "
If I went there, I would do this. If I ate this, I would get hives.
"Are you going to cheerleading?" "Non, pas aujourd'hui!"
Ah, comrade. C'est pas niège.
We have to hide our verb work! C'est top secret! We're developing the conditional bomb. If you had taken more pictures, we would have dropped it on you.
Aujourd'hui, la classe est sponsorisée par les lettres "e" et "é."
I'll say only. You guys won't find the four exceptions.
Why is it that people that say danS won't?
When you go to an amusement park, they have that big ride called The Post Office. You stand in line and then they shoot you.
Je suis très content de ne pas savoir le mot pour "gang rape."
What did I say? I don't know. I never listen to me.
Wanna laugh at some of the answers?
You never say, "Sorry, I've got to jo!"
Il faut que vous me vouvoyiez!
The imperfect subjunctive? In French, it's a party game.
They cannot put their tongue between their teeth. It's like they're afraid someone is going to sneak up behind them and whap them on the head.
Si vous écoutez ou non, vous avez le même devoir ce soir.
Would you understand if I said "I brang my work to school?" You would understand some other things about me too.
Vous avez trois années d'un prof qui parle à sa plante....
Je ne suis pas méchant!
Il parle français. C'est mieux que le "white noise."
Je suis beau, Matt est laid.
Actually, we're working in the text cause I forgot to copy your next pages.
Qui veut faire la texte? Qui veut la lecture? Qui veut prendre une sieste? Vendredi, vous avez une sieste.
It's a nice segway to the famous fire drill of Delaware in 1782, when George Washington led all the delegates to safety.
Perhaps I could print it on a pillow, and you could have your little passé simple napping pillow.
I always say that when French is more logical than English, this ain't it.
Oh! You inadvertently picked up my book! And now I'm going to inadvertently key your car!
Le trombone, c'est un terroriste.
Knowing things doesn't generally have a finite end, unless it's from French class. "Yeah, I learned this on Tuesday... it was all over by Wednesday."
That's the letter "é." It would be nice if you could start trusting it.
I'm requiring you to understand.
Le Père Noël, il a un problème avec la cocaïne.
Je suis sexiste.
Budge is a verb with bad attitude. You only use it in the negative. "It won't budge! It won't budge! Oh, wait, it budged! It's budging right along now."
Of whom did you ask it? Of the big people.
"Que veut dire ainsi?" "Thus." "Okay, on continue..." "J'ai une question. Je ne comprends pas le mot ainsi." "We just said it! It means thus. Okay, Austin... attends, une question. Oui?" "Ainsi?" "Tu es sérieuse ou tu blagues?" "Quoi?" "Il y dix seconds qu'elle a dit 'Que veut dire ainsi?' Et puis Laquanna pose la même question. Je cherche la caméra. Okay, Ainsi- I mean Austin. Sorry, I'm just getting a little antsy."
I'm used to the sucky quality of you people.
This woman took a 400 km train trip to interview me because she needed a story the next day and she thought it would be interesting to get a story about an American named Foster who had a crush on Jodie Foster because he thought if they got married, she wouldn't have to change her monogrammed sweaters.
I'd like a round of astonishment, please. Put it on my tab.
Si tu ne peux pas dire ça en français, tu espères que c'est pas important.
It's like how the girls over there don't shave under their arms, they also go around asking people to draw sheep.
"This is like the fifth time today I've said 'He arrived in the middle of dessert." "That's okay. We don't know the difference." "The difference is that if you eat the desert, you really need to drink a lot with it, cause it's gritty."
There's a snowman in the desert!
Of course they think there's eight days in a week. They walk around asking for sheep and looking at bushy armpits.
"Je vais commencer à être méchant." "Commencer?" "Oui, 'Ça fait longtemps que tu es méchant, professeur.' "
Je torture des élèves ici!
I love it, when I ask a question like that, and everyone gets all studious, looking at their books with that little brow-wrinkle. "If I look studious, he won't call on me! See, I'm looking!"
You think gender has got you annoyed in French class, well, it has really engendered some fierce battles.
Please, pay attention to me. You have nearly every day to watch Miguel being stupid.
In Italy it wasn't rare for a kid to be born with ashes on his head.
It's stupid and annoying.
What are you doing on Saturday? Get the hell off there.
It's grammar. Who cares what language you don't know it in?
I never laugh at what you write. If you make a mistake, I usually just light a votive candle and get on with correcting.
Is that why I don't have any friends? This is the face I make all the time. "Hi, nice to see you, you moron!"
"Do you grade on a curve?" "Yes, in fact, I correct the whole thing [bent over] like this. Scoliosis, and how it can work for you." "Hey, I have scoliosis!" "Me too!" "Okay, have your lawyer contact my lawyer."
I will be sending copies of these exams to all of the colleges who may have already accepted some of you.
Dans votre lit vous rêvez. Dans ma classe, vous rêvassez.
Tu me manques. I miss you. You are lacking to me.
My desk achieved critical mass, went supernova, and is probably still leaking radiation.
Je veux un mouton, donc j'existe. C'est comme je pense, donc je suis.
I was running a special on the imperfect.
It's sort of when-ish.
When I was a kid, I'd sit in Sunday School reading the Bible, and I always thought God was pretty mean for kicking Adam and Eve out of Eden for eating a piece of fruit. But now I think it's a great metaphor for parenting. "You are the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, now you know how to get a job and move out."
J'espère que vous n'avez pas des allergies aux dictionnaires.
Yelling? When did I yell? I hate teenagers and their definition of yelling. Yelling is if I don't fall to my knees and praise you.
I was relating the vocab to your life.
Delores. It means "pain." Like if you have misogynistic parents. "Let's name her Delores!" Or Agnes. Which is from the Latin for "can never get a date."
Okay, just so when you go to college you don't complain that your French teacher was an idiot, I know that the conditional is a mood. But if I ask "quelle mode?" you would have no idea what I was saying. "Quelle mode?" What mud?
Some of you gave halfway-decent answers to the wrong question.
You wrote me these fantastical answers where this stinking little prince showed up at the conference and liked the astronomer's suit.
Où je peux acheter une corde pour me pendre?
These little bastards! They're just gonna write "que il" 'til I die!
Hey, my treaty. It's the coward's treaty!
Did I really? That was cool of me. I'm so nice. I'm also insane. I didn't know that I did it.
Oh, mais tu peux détester le prof. C'est dif... merde.
I'm the one who am going.
There's only one thing worse with having a thought that's filthy, and that's having a thought that's filthy when half of you don't get what I'm talking about.
Yeah, in the Fiji Islands, they don't have sheep, so they tell volcano jokes.
In France, Mother Theresa does good. The rest of them do well.
It sounds either ridiculously elegant or ghetto.
They're supposed to teach you how to behave, and teach you stuff.
Je suis le roi de français.
You can't chop off three consonants in one syllable. Then you start to sound German.
My mountain cousins called!
I added one little word, and your brains fell out.
I've got faults, but they're great. They're great faults. And they all have really good reasons. People were mean to me when I was young.
Il est un roi sans sujets, et je suis un prof sans élèves.
I told my French 3 class that almost every verb could be reflexive, and then on every test, I got stuff like, "I'm gonna go myself downtown and watch myself a movie."
What the hell did I write that for?
Notre classe aujourd'hui est sponsorisée par les voyelles nasales.
You sit there and say, "Yeah, I had a question. In chapter 3, when it said, (Chinese-sounding stuff)" and I'm making that face, and you think "He has no idea what I'm talking about." Um, yes, I've identified that as Cantonese spoken in the Quondam dialect....
And as you know, when we're reading "Le Petit Prance" - the little prancing guy....
I have this one guy in my other class who always looks like he wants to stab me. But he pronounces it better than anyone else.
"J'ai porté des pantalons cuir. Okay, that sounds really bad in French." "J'ai vous." "So it sounds even worse when you follow up 'pantalons cuir' with 'I have you.' So don't say 'j'ai vous.' Say 'j'ai vu.' 'I have you?' 'Oh, pas maintenant, après la classe.' "
Il y a juste une chose qui me fait triste, et c'est que je ne peux pas danser mieux d'un Lego.
Et moi, je suis méchant.
One of the things you learn when you're doing things for free is that it doesn't do much for you, and it doesn't do much for anyone else either; it just gives you stuff to bitch about.
I think you should take French. It's fun and non-toxic.
So, if you keep making these mistakes, come in for extra help after school, and, with the use of mind-altering drugs and shock therapy, I'll make you stop doing that!
Plenty of happy French people go from cradle to grave without ever having said "beaucoup des."
It's Mr. Foster. He's speaking in tongues. Call the office!
Kirikou, il est nu.
That's all we're going to hear about feminine issues in that sentence.
Hey, you can be right once.
I am the King of Traveling Light.
Jot it down once, and the world was divided into good students and bad students.
In English you can say "me either" or "me neither," although you should properly say "nor shall I," and immediately prevent yourself from ever being invited anywhere.
Je suis prof. Je n'ai pas de vie.
Woo! Quelqu'un a appris quelque chose! I'll have to put it on my calendar.
Venereal diseases. Diseases of love. "I love you. Have some disease!" Gonorrhea. The gift that keeps on giving.
There's about fifty feet of my driveway that is so steep, if you go down with the snow blower, you zoom down, and if you try to go up, you have to walk like a pregnant penguin.
I'm always having throat problems because I'm continually talking over noise. And the other meaning of noise in that sentence would be you!
I've never talked about Wyoming. I have no idea. I don't know what to do with Colorado.
C'était une aventure, là. Même avec les pirates!
Il a un petit doudou. It sounds so much worse in English. He's snuggling with his doodoo!
"I snuck out." If I had said that 20 years ago, I would've been punished for saying that, not for sneaking out. It's sneaked.
I'm asking because you have the studious air of someone who is just starting to do his reading now.
Like so many noncommittal lemmings, they just sort of drifted away.
It was like the grammar, which I know is death....
You drive through the Midwest, you don't see much. Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, cow, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn....
You've never heard of the Facawi? They're the tribe of pygmies who run through the prairie in the tall grass and jump up and yell, "We're the Facawi!"
I'm just surprised at how dumb I am.
You are a species of idiot! Let me look in the guidebook. Yes... cretinus americanus.
You watch 400 acts of violence and murder a year.
It's an ongoing argument between my wife and me. She's a stop-at-a-red-light-at-three-in-the-morning type of person. I tell her, "you know what they called these when they were first invented? Traffic control lights. There's no traffic."
Je ne connais pas le plan cosmique de Dieu.
Usually there's one or two people hidden in a corner of the room who still don't understand direct and indirect objects. But hopefully you all understand, or have hope of leading otherwise productive lives.
That's just grammar. It's not important.
And you guys say we don't do anything in class. Today we learned how to use the letter "y." You could spend a whole episode of Sesame Street on that.
Tu cherches la que! Non, tu cherches le mot "que."
Has anyone else observed how life frequently sucks?
"Je te donne le chocolat?" "Oui, donne-le-moi." "Et le négatif? Non, avec le chocolat, le négatif est impossible."
When somebody who doesn't get the joke tells the joke, it's not funny.
They won't kick you, they won't bite you. They'll just be happy that you're speaking French instead of being an obnoxious American.
I try to be as wimpy as I can.
I really don't care about your grades. I only give them to you because some of you only learn if I hit you over the head with a grade hammer.
That's what I'm going to do starting next year. I'm going to train you all to look like you've just won concert tickets when I call on you.
I think that was a Star Wars fortune cookie.
Whenever someone asks you where a quote is from, first guess Shakespeare and then the Bible. You'll often be wrong, but you'll never look stupid.
Et chapitre 26, j'ai décidé de regarder les Red Sox.
Je suis désolé pour le silence, mais heureusement pour moi, j'ai un petit gâteau. Ça remplit le silence pour moi.
It's always a good idea to call your students' family genetic mutants.
Oui! Levez le toit!
There's a wild party. "I'll brush your teeth and you brush mine. That should be fun. And then we should both be locked away."
Very few people are actually invoking any sort of serious blessing when they say "bless you." "À tes souhaits" doesn't mean anything other than you sneezed and I like you.
French people don't say anything to strangers.
Catholic schools love to diagram. It brings you closer to God somehow. If you can diagram, you're closer to Jesus.
"John watched..." "Mary!" "No, Mary wants to stay out of this sentence. And she wants to know who John is and why he isn't observing the restraining order.
I think we've talked about it enough. If I talk about it anymore, someone might want to kill me.
See, if I keep a straight face and don't react in any other way, it'll look like I'm actually valuing your suggestion.
Comme je dis tout le temps, l'enfer, c'est les autres.
Écoutez avec les oreilles françaises.
And in French it's even better, cause it has sex in it. Tout s'explique!
Yeah, I know. I did it on purpose, cause I'm evil.
What did I say? J'ai said quelque chose en French.
Ah, Disney. Better living through animal slavery.
Sometimes when you have a cold, you want to come in to school so you can breathe on people. Oh, I'm gonna get that kid back! I'll cough on him!
Ce n'est pas permis de s'amuser en classe.
Mon père est maire, et mon frère est masseur.
You'll get it, you're young. Time and indifference have not worn their ravaging effects on you.
Alors, mes pauvres, c'est le temps de vous faire souffrir.
We must try to get none of our official vocabulary from rap songs.
Well, in French, you have place, you don't take it. It's less violent.
If you ever want to be depressed about studying a language, get its verb conjugation book. This book has... oh, this book isn't so bad. It only has 88 different ways verbs can be conjugated, with all the little changes.
I know about 100 words in German. I can say, "I know a little German, but I don't speak it as well as I speak French."
Oh my God! Je! Its endings can only be SEX. Well, that should be easy to remember.
I am a board moron.
That was wimpy but clever.
"What is goût?" "Non, c'est 'qu'est-ce que c'est goût?' If you say 'what is goo?' I have to say it's something you stepped in."
For endless misery, just add French. Warning: side effects may include screaming and refusal to do homework.
Vous n'avez rien appris du Petit Prince. L'essentiel n'est pas votre note!
Listening in class is also valid.
You were very inventive, just not very accurate.
Fourteen of you- that's half the class- 14 of 28- can't spell a word that's printed on the test.
It was some sort of cross between Chinese and Hungarian with a few French words stuck in.
Here's my subject. It's plural. Here's my verb. Oh, it's singular. I like that. It offers a sort of contrast.
I think I unwittingly gave birth to a whole bunch of mutant French.
I think the thing to do when your guinea pig is dying is to hope that no one gets you another one.
It was like the first reality show. Let's watch them beat the hell out of someone.
Souffrir... to suffer... that should be foremost on your minds right now.
Could you write an essay without using the conditional? I could.
Why sit there and break your mouth trying to say it?
"Le subjonctif avec des expressions de volonté." Even as a title, it's laborious.
If you're an actor, you want to play Broadway. If you're a terrorist, you want to play the Olympics.